I’m Not Strong Enough To Walk Away From Him Even Though He’s Terrible For Me

I know what I want and I know what I deserve and I also know the guy I’m dating can’t give it to me. He’ll never be able to love me the way that I want, I’ve accepted that, but I still can’t bring myself to break up with him. Ugh.

  1. He’s never going to put me first. I’ve always wanted to be his number one priority, but most of the time, it feels like I’m last on the list. Work comes before me, his friends come before me, his hobbies come before me — his whole life comes before me. He doesn’t have enough time to spend on me. I’m there when he wants me to be, but the rest of the time, I’m just a burden.
  2. I’ve tried to shut down my feelings for him but nothing works. I hate myself for that. I wish so badly that the fact that he doesn’t love me the way I deserve to be loved would stop me from loving him, but it doesn’t. I still love his sense of humor, his smile, the way he sees life in general. I still love the fundamentals of him, and that’s why I can’t get over him.
  3. He’ll never stick up for our relationship. He cares way too much what other people think. Some of his bros want him to be young and single with them, and he never speaks up to say he’s happily taken. He says he doesn’t want drama, but the truth is that if he really disagreed with their opinions, he’d stand up for us. Obviously, there’s at least some part of him that wants to live the single life. I want a guy that’s all in, but he’ll always have (at least) one foot out.
  4. I know if I ended things, all I’d do is miss him. Despite everything, he’s still my best friend. I don’t want to lose him. In fact, I can’t imagine my life without him. If I broke up with him, I’d be breaking up with all the good things that come with being his girlfriend — and there are good things. It’s not like we could stay friends when I still love him. I can’t end things because I don’t know how to face life without him — I’d miss him too damn much.
  5. He doesn’t seem to know what he wants. He never makes me feel that he wants to be with me and only me. Why is that? Why doesn’t he know if he loves me or wants me? I know for sure that I want him — I just want him to love me in a different way. He makes me feel like a temporary distraction with only the slightest possibility of something long-term, nothing certain. At the end of the day, he just hasn’t fully committed himself to me.
  6. Every time I try to leave, he begs me to stay. I just can’t seem to hurt him, which makes me fear that he’ll be the one to hurt me in the end. I’ve been on the verge of ending things before, but in those moments, he makes it feel clear as day that he wants to be with me. If he didn’t, he’d just let me go, but he keeps begging me to stay. That’s what gives me hope that he could possibly someday love me the way I so desperately want him to.
  7. He’ll never make an equal effort. I’m the one who makes all of the sacrifices in our relationship. I put so much of myself into our relationship but I feel like I’m pulling at straws for him to make some sort of effort. I work hard to keep us on the same page and I commit myself every day to this relationship, but I can’t say the same for him. I do all the work, and all he does is reap the benefits.
  8. I don’t want to start all over. I thought he was “The One,” and deep down I think I’m slowly figuring out that he’s not, but I can’t admit those feelings out loud. I just don’t want them to be true. In fact, I’m afraid of them being true because, without him, I have no plan. My future is a mystery and I don’t want to start over on page one. I just can’t go back to being single and not knowing what lies ahead. At the end of the day, I’m too comfortable and I’m scared of life without him.
  9. He’s always going to take me for granted. I never feel fully appreciated by him. Sometimes I wonder if he even thinks I’m a catch and that makes me feel like he’s just settling. I’m worthy of a man who feels incredibly lucky to have found me, not a man who feels he could be just as happy, or even happier, with someone else.
  10. Love shouldn’t be this painful. I know that the guy who’s supposed to love me more than anyone shouldn’t bring me so many tears, but I still can’t seem to break up with him. It hurts me to watch him take me for granted. It hurts me to wish he was a better man and a better boyfriend than he is. It hurts me to be on the receiving end of all of his BS and still want to be with him. I know that love shouldn’t be this painful, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to quit him.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.