I’m Not Worried About Scaring Guys Off — If They Can’t Handle Me, They Don’t Deserve Me

I’m Not Worried About Scaring Guys Off — If They Can’t Handle Me, They Don’t Deserve Me

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been warned about not coming on too strong or doing anything that could end up scaring guys off. While I thought we were all adults here and that finding a potential long-term relationship is a common goal, apparently not. To be honest, I’m fed up with following archaic dating rules. If showing interest in guys ends up scaring them off, bye!

Ways I’ve been “scaring guys off,” apparently

  1. Wanting to get to know them God forbid you actually inquire about a guy’s life, from his past relationships to what he hopes to do in the future. That makes me seem too keen and almost desperate, or so I’ve been told. How on earth are you supposed to get to know someone and figure out if there’s relationship potential if showing any interest in them is a problem?
  2. Texting when I say I will If I tell a guy that I’ll be in touch, I actually reach out when I say I will. If something comes up and I can’t really chat, I communicate that. That should be a good thing as it shows I’m being considerate and that I’m not playing games, but it ends up scaring guys off because they think I’m “too intense.” Whatever.
  3. Not purposely trying to make them jealous Traditional dating advice would advise that I “treat him mean to keep him keen,” and part of that is making a guy realize that I’m a hot commodity and loads of other guys are after me. Hey, I might even want one of them if this one isn’t up to par, right? Nah, miss me with that BS. Why would I be so petty as to try and purposely upset a guy I like? I really don’t get the logic.
  4. Focusing solely on them instead of dating around In my experience, nothing ends up scaring guys more than when you decide to stop dating around and just focus on them because you like them. It’s like it flicks some sort of internal switch that makes them freak the f–k out. What should be a good thing, especially if they like me back, ends up being catastrophic nine times out of 10. Hilariously, these are the same dudes who get butthurt if you do tell them that you want to keep dating around until you become official.
  5. Telling them I really like them While I definitely agree that it’s a bit “Joe from You” to start love-bombing someone from day one, I definitely don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing your feelings for someone when you’ve been out several times together. However, I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve ended up scaring off because I’ve said “I really like you and think you’re great.” What the hell?
  6. Wanting to hang out sometimes It seems like a lot of guys want to see you maybe once every other week or so to hook up and in between that, they’re doing God knows what else. However, if I really like someone and think we could have an actual relationship together, we kinda need to, you know, spend time together. This ends up scaring a lot of guys off and I end up being labeled as “clingy” because I literally wanted to see him twice in a week.
  7. Wanting them to meet my friends Again, I don’t do this after the first date or anything, but if we’ve been seeing each other for a month or more, my girls want to know about the guy I’m crazy about. It’s always a casual thing — an invitation to group drinks at the bar, asking if he wants to go with me to one of my friends’ birthday parties — but it always ends up scaring guys half to death.
  8. Doing nice things for them I’m nobody’s doormat, but I am thoughtful and considerate, especially when it comes to people I care about. I’ve literally had guys get weird with me because I dared to pick them up a little souvenir while I was away on vacation or I bought them a coffee when we met up and dared to have paid attention to their usual order. If this is scaring guys off, so be it.

Why I won’t apologize for doing any of those things

scaring guys

  1. I’m looking for a grown man, not an immature boy. A man would not be freaked out by a woman who’s self-assured and who knows what she wants and goes after it. If being vocal about my feelings and actually taking steps towards pursuing a relationship is scaring guys off, see ya!
  2. It weeds out the losers pretty quickly. I’ve noticed that by dating like a woman who’s serious about finding love, I weed out guys that aren’t on the same page pretty quickly. They get so annoyed by a woman who’s so together or so scared that someone might actually take them to task that they dip not long after we start dating. It’s a real time saver, to be honest.
  3. I treat people the way I want to be treated. When I’m dating someone, I want them to be respectful, considerate, affectionate, and open. That’s why I always offer the same to them. If that ends up scaring these guys off, that sounds like a them problem, not a me problem.
  4. Playing hard to get isn’t my bag. I know women are supposed to act as if we’re so above it all and try to make men want us by acting like they can’t have us, but I don’t have time or energy for that high school crap. I’d rather end up scaring guys with my feelings than act like they don’t exist. No thanks!
  5. The right guy won’t be scared of these things, he’ll appreciate them. It really is as simple as that. Anyone who’s not on that level is not for me.
Bolde has been a source of dating and relationship advice for single women around the world since 2014. We combine scientific data, experiential wisdom, and personal anecdotes to provide help and encouragement to those frustrated by the journey to find love.