It’s Really Not You, It’s Him—11 Signs He’s A Toxic Loser

Sometimes after a fight with a guy you’re dating, you’re left wondering, “Is it me who’s acting out of line here?” It’s good to try to be self-aware in dating, but sometimes it’s not you — you’re just dating a giant jerk. Here are 11 signs that you haven’t done anything wrong, he’s just a jerk you should most definitely get rid of.

  1. Commitment talks send him running. Rather than just stepping up to the plate and telling you where he’s really at mentally, he avoids talk about commitment at all costs. He redirects the conversation when you ask, “So, what’s going on between us?” He never gives you a straightforward answer and sometimes he even claims to just hate labels. Let’s be real, this dude isn’t worth your time. There are plenty of others who’d love to commit to you.
  2. He doesn’t treat you like a priority. Instead of making time for you in his life, he’s regularly canceling plans, being vague about making plans, and even spending little amounts of time when you’re together. It seems everything is on his schedule and he’s never inconvenienced. It’s obvious that he doesn’t make you a priority, so it’s time to stop blaming yourself and instead give him the boot.
  3. Everything’s about him. You’re thinking that you probably should have known from the start that he’s wildly self-involved because all he talked about on the first date was himself. Since then, things have only gotten worse. You wonder if you’re just not interesting or if you’ve done something wrong, but it’s important not to take his self-obsessed behavior personally.
  4. He walks away when there’s conflict. You’re seeing each other, so inevitably conflict arises in the relationship. You’re ready to talk about it and to show up for the tough stuff, but he is either overly apologetic or totally avoidant in order to evade talking about what’s wrong. He’s not giving you the time of day that you deserve. This has nothing to do with you, so you should GTFO.
  5. He’s a pathological liar. This one should be scary enough for you to run for the hills. You catch him in little lies and you find yourself asking him what the hell he’s lying for. You can’t help but wonder if he’s lying about big things too. This red flag is one that you definitely shouldn’t overlook. It’s a sign of a much bigger problem that you don’t need to keep dealing with.
  6. He easily and regularly shifts the blame to you. When you’re discussing something that upset you or even starting to have a fight, he always manages to shift the blame to you. He makes it seem as if it’s your fault when really you haven’t done anything wrong. After awhile, you begin to question your own sanity and judgment because it’s almost as if he’s gaslighting you.
  7. You’re not convinced that he’s been loyal. The foundation of relationships is built on mutual trust. You know that you’re trustworthy but you have no idea whether or not he is. You regularly find yourself wondering if he’s been loyal to you. You couldn’t say for certain that he’s been a faithful lover and this is hugely problematic. Don’t even start to think it’s you — it’s definitely him.
  8. He doesn’t follow through on his promises. After fights, he makes grandiose promises to change and be better, yet he never comes through. You’re often left disappointed and hurt. He even struggles to come through on every day promises like showing up on time or going to an event with you. He’s just totally crappy at showing up for you and fulfilling promises.
  9. He’s selfish in bed. Good guys know to take the time out to please a woman. In your case, you’re regularly left unsatisfied because he doesn’t take the time to treat you right in bed. This is total bullshit. There’s nothing that could justify him treating you this way, so don’t you dare internalize it as you not being enough! He’s the jerk.
  10. He’s a terrible texter. Not everyone loves to text, but if he’s not calling or even giving you a reason why he is a bad texter, he’s a jerk. Someone who really wanted to be with you and talk to you would take the time out of their life to make you a priority. It’s totally valid for you to ask for what you need–someone who’s a good texter–and this obviously isn’t the dude you have.
  11. Even his friends ask you what you’re doing with him. You know it’s bad when his friends tell you that you can do better and ask you what the heck you’re doing with him. If you’re really wondering whether it’s you or him, let this occurrence assure you that it’s most definitely him.
Ginelle has been writing professionally for more than six years and has a bachelor’s degree in digital marketing & design. Her writing has appeared on Birdie, Thought Catalog, Tiny Buddha and more. You can follow her on Instagram @ginelletesta, via her Facebook page, or through her website at