We’ve broken up, which means our relationship has changed big time — as in, we don’t have one anymore. You may not know proper ex-boyfriend etiquette, but I’ll be more than happy to fill you in. Now that we’re no longer together, there are just some things that are just not in the cards anymore:
- Having sex with me. When you broke up with me, you also broke up with my body. There will be no sex with the ex in this scenario. We don’t need one last roll in the sheets to say goodbye. Breakup sex is not in our cards. You’re no longer welcome in my heart, my life or my bed. Find another booty call.
- Asking me to hook you up with my friends. You can sleep with whoever you want, but please stay away from my girls. Things didn’t work out with us, but that doesn’t mean you can recruit me to be your matchmaker. Go ahead and move on, but my girls are too good for you and too loyal to me to even think about going there.
- Being my friend. In order for me to move on, I need you completely out of my life, so no, we can’t be “just friends.” We can’t go back to the way things were before we were together. There is no going back. We took a chance and things didn’t work out. You didn’t just lose my love, you lost my friendship, and I’m sorry, but there’s no getting that back.
- Expecting me to be there for you. That’s not my job anymore. The day you stopped wanting me to be your girlfriend was the day I stopped having an obligation to support you and be there for you. It’s time for you to find a new person you can count on. That’s what I’m going to do.
- Getting jealous. You didn’t appreciate me when you had me, so don’t act all hurt when I choose to move on. You don’t get to envy the guy who’s with me now because you were that guy and it was your choice to stop being him. You made your bed and now you have to lie in it without my company. You didn’t want me, so you can’t be mad when someone else does.
- Acting like my boyfriend. You don’t get the benefits of being my boyfriend without the label. You only want me when it’s convenient for you and that’s not how a relationship works. If you don’t want to “officially” be my boyfriend then you don’t get to unofficially act like one either. You want to have your cake and eat it too, but that’s not going to happen — at least, not with me.
- Passing judgment on my love life. My love life officially became none of your business when you chose to stop being a part of it. You don’t get to dictate who I date or judge my dating choices. I don’t need your approval to move on or your opinion on who’s “good enough” to date me. I make my own choices, thank you.
- Asking my friends about me. I don’t need you to check in on me and my friends don’t need to be bothered by your incessant need to ask about my life. Just because I won’t talk to you doesn’t mean you can hound my girls. If you want to know how I am, you can ask me (and accept when I don’t respond because I need some space).
- Staying close with my family. When you broke up with me, you broke up with my relatives too. My friends are one thing. If they choose to still be friends with you then that’s their business, as long as they’re not constantly bringing you around. My family is a different story. You can’t come to holidays and you’re no longer a member of this family. You’re officially off the family tree.
- Contacting me in any form. Our breakup didn’t mean we were downgraded to friends or even acquaintances. It meant that we’re officially removing each other from our lives. We are no longer contacts in the digital world or the physical world. It’s over, and the sooner you accept that, the better.
