Obnoxious Things Girls Say When Their Dating Lives Suck

Dating isn’t all rainbows and bunnies and elegant fondue fountains. Romance is a brutal beast and it’s easily capable of devouring your soul and crapping it back out into a dumpster on a hot day. Many women know this and handle their dating failures quickly and gracefully. They learn from those failures and make sure they don’t repeat the same mistakes. Other women get huffy, irrational and downright nasty when things don’t go their way in the dating world. When this happens, any unlucky person in earshot will hear very obnoxious things.

“I have such bad luck.”

You have bad choice, not bad luck. Accidentally dating someone is impossible. Every step of the dating process is deliberate and requires a choice on your part and his. You can only blame yourself when you end up in a gag-inducing relationship with a crappy guy that brings out the worst in you.

“I should give up and get a cat.”

Please don’t drag an innocent kitten into your colossally decrepit dating life. What did the cat do to you? Little Beauregard Fuzzbutt does not deserve to be on the receiving end of nightly Ben & Jerry’s-fueled monologues about how sad/desperate/lonely you are. It’s nothing short of a miracle that the poor cat hasn’t tried to choke himself to death on his own kitty litter.

“I hate men.”

What would you think of a man that said, “I hate women”? Low self-esteem? Delusional? Socially inept? Uproariously pathetic? You don’t say! Just because you always get involved with rotten douchebags, that doesn’t make it fair to say that you hate an entire sex. Take some responsibility for your own dating situation. Bad experiences with just a few guys shouldn’t give you a negative perspective of the billions of men that are walking around on this planet.

“I deserve better than this.”

Do you really “deserve better” or do you think that you do merely because you lack a “Y” chromosome? Simply being a woman doesn’t mean you’re automatically entitled to the best men out there. If you want to find your proverbial “Prince Charming”, then you need to behave like someone that guy would want. You can’t seriously be shocked that princes aren’t interested in you when you look and act like an inebriated swamp monster. If you behave like trash, you will be treated like trash.

“Chivalry is dead.”

Shut. The. Hell. Up. Do you even do anything that warrants chivalry, or do you just sit around and complain about men “mistreating” you when they kindly ask that you foot the bill every once and awhile? Get off your high horse. At least give the exhausted quadruped a break until you need it for next lame thing that you like to complain about.

“I can change him.”

And then he’ll love you forever and you’ll ride off into the sunset on horseback and live happily ever after until the jet ski accident, blah blah blah. Why get involved with someone you don’t like as is? That’s stupid as hell and a bigger waste of time than non-alcoholic beer. No amount of goading and nagging will change the character flaws that you deem annoying or inferior. If people want to change, they have to do it on their own.

“I’m sorry I have standards.”

No you’re not. You’re sorry that every guy you’ve gotten involved with saw right through your BS and kicked you to the curb. It’s one thing to have standards, but it’s another thing entirely to be so difficult to please that you become an evil, raging narcissist who expects all men to bend over backwards for her. Pull your head out of your ass.

“I just need to be okay with being single right now.”

Why would you ever not be okay with being single? It’s awesome. Are you really so insufferable that you can’t stand your own company for extended periods of time? If that’s the case, having yet another boyfriend should be the least of your concerns. You have some serious work to do on yourself before you inflict your pungent brand of oblivious/crazy on innocent men at speed dating events.

“Why can’t I find a decent guy?”

Because you’re not a decent girl. You lack self-awareness and therefore do not even know what “decent guy” entails. He’s definitely out there, but likely wants nothing to do with someone who has dated enough douchebags to fill up thirty tanning salons. Look in the mirror and repeat after me: “I am the problem.”

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