I’m Obsessed With My Boyfriend’s Ex & It’s Killing Me

That sharp pang of jealousy that rears its ugly head when your boyfriend inevitably mentions his ex is too real. In any new relationship, it’s bound to be discussed, but does that feeling of jealousy ever really go away? It certainly hasn’t for me.

1. I’m a jealous person because I’m insecure. This is something that has taken me a long time to acknowledge and accept. It’s a character trait that I’m not proud of and that I’m working on every day, but it’s hard, you know?! Jealousy is something we all feel from time to time and I know logically that it’s a silly emotion, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t creep up in the back of my mind every so often and totally ruin my whole damn day. Shout out to my boyfriend for being a patient little angel.
2. Before we met, my boyfriend was only single for a few weeks. This has played a huge part in creating these uncomfortable and sometimes paranoid feelings I have. I’m grateful to have met my boyfriend when I did and I love where we’re at, but there is a part of me that wishes just a little more time had passed before we met. I truly believe that after a breakup, it’s imperative to make time for yourself to reassess what you want in a relationship and reassert your independence before you start dating again. I’ve expressed these feelings to my boyfriend and while he’s reassured me that he feels completely confident in his choice to start dating so quickly after his breakup, it’s still something that comes up in arguments.
3. I still find things around the house that belonged to her. Anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship knows that it’s next to impossible to completely remove yourself from the relationship once it’s over. Whether it’s clothing, photos or just old text messages, the remnants of your life together linger and often show up in unexpected places. This is something that as a reasonable human being, I know and understand, but it still stings like a mother every time I come across an old birthday card or earring.
4. She wants to reconnect. This is the issue I find the most conflicting, especially when outsourcing for hot takes. I personally haven’t stayed friends with my exes so I have no experience in this department. What I do know is that she’s reached out to him several times to no avail. While I’ve expressed certain concerns and discomfort over the situation, I haven’t weighed in on the issue completely. I’ve left that choice up to my boyfriend because I feel that in the end, it should be his decision. I trust his judgment and I don’t think it would be healthy for me or our relationship to get involved in something that was before my time.
5. I can’t help but compare and contrast. Because next to no time passed between my boyfriend’s last relationship (her) and his current one (me), I often find myself playing the compare and contrast game. It’s incredibly dangerous, pointless, and always does more harm than good. Do his friends like her more? Was her hair thicker than mine? Does everyone secretly wish he’d dump me and marry her? Not my most favorite thoughts.
6. She’s still in touch with his family and friends. This is another completely harmless thing that has absolutely nothing to do with me, but as I’ve stated above, sometimes I let insecurity take the wheel, which usually ends with me crashing and burning into a ravine of self-doubt. There’s no reason why she shouldn’t have stayed in touch with the people who were a part of her life for a very long time, but I can’t help but wonder if they’re also playing the same compare and contrast game as mentioned above and how I measure up.
7. We have similar interests and background. From what I’ve gathered about my boyfriend’s ex, we may have quite a bit in common and are pursuing similar life dreams—a fact that often makes me want to curl up next to a nice cozy fire and then jump headfirst into said fire.
8. I’m constantly trying to set our relationship apart. Maybe it’s my competitive nature or maybe I’m just a huge selfish jerk, but I need to feel like my relationships are unique and not some space-filler, conveyor belt BS. I pride myself on the amount of effort I put in to make my boyfriend feel special and it’s something that I need in return. Do I want my relationship with my guy to be the best relationship he’s ever had by a long shot? Of course. Does that make me some sort of weird agro monster? A little.
9. I feel petty AF. This listicle probably should have been front and center of this piece as it’s the reason I’m even writing this, to begin with. I know all these feelings are objectively futile and nothing productive will actually come of any of this, but at the same time, venting about this stuff is therapeutic and you’re all lying if you say you’ve never had jealous or insecure thoughts. I try to be self-aware and check myself when my pettiness gets out of hand, but we all have those days where every sentence out of our mouths starts with, “Oh, hell nah, this bitch…”
10. I’m projecting and I know it. Just to bring this thing full circle, this all comes down to me projecting my shortcomings about various aspects of my life into a situation that’s basically a non-issue. Jealousy feeds on more jealously and sometimes I can’t help but feed the beast.