I know we’re all sick and tired of hearing about the “good old days” of dating. Those are over; Tinder made sure of that. But while I’m willing to let go of clinging to the past, there are some relationship rules that are worth fighting for. I’m talking about the ones that a generation ago would have been obvious, but these days risk tipping a girl into the “crazy” category. It’s time to stop letting guys treat us like crap and make excuses for it. Never give up on these demands — I know I won’t:
- Kissing, touching or any other form of intimate physical contact with another woman is cheating. Period. Have you ever tried to explain the term “side chick” to your parents? If you have, I bet they looked at you like you were an alien. Do you know why? Because it’s absolutely incomprehensible to them that any woman would ever stand for that.
- Turn your damn phone off when we’re out on a date. Unless your Great-Grandma Betty is on her death bed in the hospital and you’re expecting a call any minute, switch that jerk off and at least pretend to be interested in what I’m saying.
- Your ex-girlfriends are not eligible to be your BFF. I know it’s the 21st century and I’m cool with the fact that you’ve had relationships before me, but I don’t need your exes flaunted in front of my face. Call me crazy, but that’s just a dealbreaker.
- Man up and be nice to my parents. If we’re sleeping together, you should be courting my parents, not pretending to have to work or to mysteriously disappear every time they come into town to visit. Shake my Dad’s hand, give my mom a hug and get on with it.
- “Date night” means we leave the house. I’m totally down for a How I Met Your Mother marathon session and some homemade popcorn, but don’t you dare call it a date night. That involves putting shoes on, walking out the door and spending some time together out in the real world.
- Buy me flowers on Valentine’s Day. Yes, it’s a corporate sham and you’re lining the pockets of Hallmark. I’ve heard it all before, and I know the story. But for one day, can we please just tone down the wannabe hipster BS and buy me a rose?
- Call me your girlfriend. I can’t even keep track of the latest euphemisms that we’re coming up with to avoid any semblance of commitment. Points for creativity, but I don’t want to be your boo, or your bae or anything else like along those lines. I don’t want to be your “almost relationship.” I want to be your girlfriend.
- Put a little bit of effort into your date night outfits. The t-shirt from your fraternity’s senior year barbecue bash really just doesn’t cut it. Especially when you graduated six years ago. Pretty please?
I’m not asking for a lot. I’m just asking you to help do your part to restore basic decency. Together, we can make dating great again!