Once You Try Throwback Dating, You’ll Never Go Back—Trust Me, I Know

While all my friends talk about nothing but Tinder horror stories and all the filters their latest guy’s ex uses in her Instagram selfies, I have nothing to add because for me, dating involves none of these things. There are so many reasons to be a throwback dater, and honestly, I have a hard time understanding people who aren’t.

The number of followers a guy has doesn’t determine his worth.

I’ve never looked up a guy on social media or even Googled him without dating him for at least a month. I don’t care how many Facebook friends he has or how many people follow him on Instagram or Twitter. I couldn’t care less how many people follow him, and not even knowing is actually really liberating.

Texting on dates is literally the worst and if he does it, I’ll walk out without a second thought. 

I’ve actually done this on multiple occasions—in fancy restaurants and in front of crowds of watching people. If he really has something more important to do than be with me, he can go outside to take a phone call. More often than not, he’s just answering someone’s text about the name of the beer he had last weekend or something dumb. In other words, if it isn’t a life-threatening emergency, he needs to leave his phone in his pocket and concentrate on the woman in front of him before I leave forever.

Speculation over a guy’s past relationships can kill the relationship before it’s even begun.

Does it really matter what his ex’s brother’s girlfriend’s friend posted on her page in 2015 or why his left shoulder is in a picture on his mom’s friend’s daughter’s Instagram post from last year? If a guy’s exes are important to him, he can tell me about them in his own time. I refuse to stalk anyone on social media, especially guys, because I’ll always jump to the absolute worst conclusion and decide the relationship is doomed before he’s even asked me out..

Social media is not real life.

 If I were to be judged on my social media presence alone, people would assume that I have a fabulous life, flawless skin, a million friends who I see every single day, and a severe brunch and rosé dependency. Obviously none of this is true…at least most of it. So how can you judge a person by their social media when you know how fabricated and selective your own social media life is?

I like taking it slow.

I’m not against the occasional one-night stand, but that doesn’t mean I want to go from zero to 60 in a matter of minutes with every guy I meet. What ever happened to being friends first? What ever happened to knowing a guy before you sleep with him? Dating is so goal-oriented these days and it seems like it only prevents deep connections. You can’t develop a lasting relationship within a few seconds on an app. I like getting asked out in person, going to dinner, and really knowing someone before I decide if I’m into them or not.

I want to learn everything about a guy in person, not through his Tinder profile.

So he likes the outdoors and fitness, he’s a whiskey connoisseur, and he wants me to have a dog. Cool. But am I supposed to be interested in a guy just by looking at his photo and seeing his profile? Even if he has a really clever joke as his opening sentence or he’s posted a song that just happens to be my favorite of all time, he’ll still look like nothing but a handful of clichés and a douche-y photo. Meeting people online is the worst.

A phone call is so much more romantic than a text could ever be.

My boyfriend was the first guy to ever actually call me instead of text, and I swear to God I would’ve married him on the spot if he’d asked. There’s something so alienating about texts. I’ll never understand the terror people experience when they see someone’s left a voicemail. When did phones stop being phones? Being called on the phone by a guy you like is as good as finding him on your doorstep holding a bouquet of roses at 1 a.m. It’s romantic. It’s him saying that he wants to hear your voice that very second.

I’m not saying I want to be official from day one, but I do want to be the only girl he’s dating.

Whatever happened to meeting someone you like, asking them out on a date, and then seeing where it goes? It seems like every single one of my friends is dating or at least talking to three or more guys at once. Plus, guys seem so reluctant to choose anyone to invest in. They just go back and forth between women they’re talking to and can never make up their minds who they actually want to be with because they never bother to make a real connection. I’m not asking for us to be “a thing” from the minute we meet, but don’t have four other girls on speed dial just as we’re getting to know each other.

Going out for drinks with friends is not a real date. 

If I get one more guy asking me out for drinks with some of his friends, I’ll go full-on Charlize Theron assassin goddess on him. A first date does not involve other people. A date is supposed to be between two people, especially the first time you’re going out together. I’d rather hang out in a gas station bathroom for a first date than make small talk with your friends at a random bar while you sit awkwardly next to me and talk with your coworker about sports.

No matter how gorgeous he thinks I am, a photo on a dating app doesn’t begin to tell him why he should date me.

It’s nice that he thinks I’m beautiful, but my photo tells him nothing about how powerful, unique, and special I am. I wouldn’t feel comfortable going out with a guy on the basis of a photo and a few witty sentences. I’m so much more than that, and I want him to see the real me before he sees the edited version.

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