An Open Letter To The Person I Almost Married Before I Came Out

Despite what people say, no, you didn’t make me gay. I’m sorry things went the way that they did; I had no idea who I was and I needed to rebuild a life for myself from scratch. Today, I’m happier than ever and even though we didn’t end up together, I have you to thank for that in many ways.

  1. Thank you for letting me crash on your couch after I came out. Not a lot of people know you did that for me. Realizing I was gay and then voicing that realization to the world was really hard, but I had to let go of 23 years worth of lies and start embracing who I really was. At that point, I didn’t know where to go. People were mad at me but I knew I was doing the right thing because for once, I wasn’t mad at myself. You didn’t have to let your baby gay ex-girlfriend crash on your couch that summer, but you did. Thank you.
  2. Thank you for supporting my lady-seeking ventures and not thinking it was weird. When you realized I could actually get girls, you started to compete with me but never did mind sharing your wardrobe. When I came out, I stole all your bro-tanks and snapbacks like a real (baby) Miami lesbian. It felt so right. You could have thought it was awkward or inappropriate to be my wingman but you didn’t and I appreciate it.
  3. Thank you for taking all of my post-coming out Instagram pics. I have some of the greatest single gay girl pictures of all time from 2015, like the one of me at South Beach chillin’ on my skateboard and flexing in my newly handed-down bro-tank. I usually feel like an a-hole asking to have my picture taken and a lot of my friends hate it, but you fully encourage a well-angled IG-worthy picture and were happy to help me take it.
  4. Thank you for allowing me to explore women back in college. We were still together then and you definitely recognized I was entirely gay before I did. You poked fun of me about it and you were right, but I never want you to feel like less of a human because of my true sexuality. The first girl you helped me go on a date with was great. We vibed really well but she didn’t see me much after that because you and I were together. I’ll admit that I could have easily fallen in love with her and ended it with you, saving you years of drama and mess, but that’s not what happened and she left me feeling confused. You were there for me throughout all of it and I’ll always be grateful.
  5. For all those times you helped me coordinate an escape plan for Tinder dates, thanks. After I came out, I had no idea how to get a girl’s attention. Apps like Tinder, Her, and Bumble gave me a place to practice. I always felt safer going on a date knowing that you knew exactly where I was and what my plans were. When we realized that one girl from Boca was off her rocker, blowing up my phone talking crazy, we talked a lot about it like two good friends would. As hard as it must have been for you to watch me start over without you, you remained my friend.
  6. Thanks for introducing me to marijuana. We both grew up in strict households and we’d just been released into the wild when we met. We were on our own for the first time, doing all the partying. When college life was over, the weed stayed with me. That green leaf saved my sanity and made its way into my life as more of a medicinal aid than a party favor, especially as I worked through my issues surrounding my sexuality. I’m so thankful for weed and the fact that you introduced me to it in college.
  7. Tell your mom and grandma I said thanks for helping me learn Spanish. They’re some of the best teachers. I’m still not as fluent the way I’d like to be, but they connected me with parts of my culture that I’d been craving to be a part of. Latinxs always scold me for not being fluent and it’s embarrassing honestly, but those two ladies never made me feel inferior for just trying to learn. Not only that, but it makes me a lot hotter to the women I date. Win-win.
  8. Thanks for just overall helping me become a really happy, life-loving, woman-loving woman. Screw anyone who makes you feel less than because your ex-girlfriend is gay. I’ve loved women since early adolescence and I take all the credit for being gay. But because I’ve fallen in love with my rebirth these last several years, I can have healthy and fulfilling relationships. I think our fallout was a rock-bottom for both of us, but I truly hope your growth skyrocketed in the same way mine has. You deserve it.
Jules Eff is a former journalist and current post-baccalaureate student at Portland State University. She’s studying psychology with a concentration in neuroscience and is twerking hard so she can one day contribute to mental health research. Jules is also a proud member of the LGBT community.