The idea of waiting to sleep with a guy to see if his intentions are genuine is an old one and in theory, I get it. However, while holding out might make you feel like you’re one step ahead of a potentially shady guy, this game is one literally no one wins.
- It’s not a foolproof practice. According to most dating books/articles/experts, waiting is always the better option, whether it’s two weeks, three months, whatever. Whether for religious or moral reasons or because of the aforementioned desire to figure out a guy’s intentions, waiting is supposed to serve the purpose of showing just how much a guy likes you. It might weed out some of the bad guys but certainly not all of them. Plenty of guys are content to keep you on the hook, pretending to be doting boyfriends for as long as it takes because they’re already getting what they want from someone else anyway. You’re just one of many.
- Game playing is for school kids. The waiting game is just that—a game. It’s getting caught up in the big picture and not living in the moment. It’s so easy to overanalyze and rethink every move, every text, and every possible scenario to figure out how to make him stay longer. You want to do everything possible to make the guy stay, even if that means compromising with yourself—I’ve been guilty of this on more than one occasion. The bottom line is that planning every move like a chess match isn’t going to make it easier to wait. Dating should be about finding the right guy, not playing games.
- Planning sex is ridiculous. From a very young age, most women are conditioned to romanticize everything—the perfect guy, the perfect date, and the first time we have sex. It doesn’t matter how old we get, the first time with a guy we are really into is all-consuming. We obsess, we think about the right time, the right moment, his place or my place—every last detail to calculate the perfect moment. Why can’t we just let it happen? Planning sex isn’t going to make him stay, it isn’t better than spontaneous sex, and it sure as hell isn’t going to make things better if there are already red flags. If anything, it puts unnecessary pressure on something that’s supposed to be enjoyable.
- Using sex as a weapon is a bad idea. Historically, society has placed sex on a pedestal. It’s portrayed as this forbidden fruit that’s dangled before men, causing great wars and leaving men falling to their knees both literally and figuratively. But have some of us taken history to the extreme? We’re all guilty of it in some ways. Maybe we insist on only kissing on the first date or making him wait until the third date to get to third base. Everything so calculated and we’re holding sex above guys’ heads as something they have to grovel to get. Shouldn’t there be butterflies and excitement as we naturally get to know someone? Shouldn’t sex be something we’re excited to have with someone we really like, not something we feel like we’re high and mighty for deigning to give a guy?
- We are adults, not teenagers. There’s the very old-fashioned notion that waiting longer somehow signifies how classy we are or how ladylike we are. That notion in itself is sad—the fact that we wait longer to have sex than we may want to because of how we may be perceived by a guy. If you want to sleep with a guy, do it! Who cares what anyone else thinks? A guy who judges you for having sex with him is not only weird, he’s a waste of time.
- Abstaining doesn’t mean he’ll stay. It sounds harsh but it’s true. I know because I’ve been there. I’ve been really into a guy and wanted to take things to the next level but was so afraid he might leave me afterward… so I held out and he dumped me anyway. Unfortunately, there’s no right decision here. Some guys will leave whether or not you sleep with them or when. The point is, sex or not, the right guy will be by your side regardless.
- If you want to wait, do it for the right reasons. Every woman is going to have their own reasons for waiting or not, and that’s fine. Make sure whatever decision you make, you’re making because it’s what’s right for you, not because you think it’s what you should do. Waiting out of self-preservation is a valid reason—it’s a way to make sure that he is worth it. But when the focus turns more on the guy and not on ourselves, that line becomes really blurry.