Opinion: If You’re Not Sober, I Won’t Have Sex With You

I don’t mean to rain on your parade, but I’m not keen on mixing sex and booze. In fact, if you’ve been knocking back drinks before asking me to your place, it’s an instant turn-off and there’s no way I’ll be going home with you. Here’s why drunk sex is a dealbreaker for me:

I’m going to have a totally different experience than you. If you’re drunk, we just won’t be on the same page. Why? I don’t drink at all, so you’ll be laughing at things in the sack that I don’t find funny or wanting to try new things that look really stupid and/or dangerous to me. It’s just not going to work. Can you say awkward?

I don’t want to be the stranger in your bed. Waking up with someone who doesn’t remember having sex with me or what my name is? Yeah, priceless. Why the hell would I want any sexual experience to end that way? If I sleep with someone, I’d like to remember it the next day (and I’d like it to be good enough to want to remember in the first place), both of which are unlikely if we’re wasted.

I’m not a booty call. Getting plastered seems to be the perfect gateway to suggesting a booty call because you’re feeling flirtatious and less inhibited. I’m not going to go there because I’m worth so much more than a quick one-night-stand. Oh, and you can keep those blurry penis pics to yourself, thanks.

I don’t like that you have to boost your confidence for this. Yes, alcohol can take the nervous edge off, but if you have to rely on it to make sex happen then we’ve got a huge problem. Maybe you’re confident with or without booze in your blood, but I don’t want to have to wonder if that’s the case. I’d rather just take you as you are, insecurities and all.

I quite like the vulnerability that comes with sober sex. Inhibitions and insecurities can feel crappy, but honestly, they can also be beautiful. Sober sex gives us the chance to explore and enjoy each other, flaws and all. I much prefer that instead of using beer goggles to see myself and my partner in a better light.

I want to know we can get wild without a tequila threesome. Ugh, it’s such a turn-off if you’re only wild in the sack when you’re having drunk sex. I thought those were your natural moves — how can I possibly respect you in the morning when all that ‘tude and sexiness was a lie? God, who are you?

If you’re drunk, you’ll make me feel awkward. I feel self-conscious before sex. I worry about my body and flaws, and if the guy will notice. But honestly, if you’ve got thick beer goggles on, that’s not making me feel any better. Instead, it’s making me feel more self-conscious because I’m wondering what you’ll really think when you see me sober. Ugh.

I want to know you really want this. It’s sort of hard to know that you really want to have sex when you’re drunk. Research by the University of Washington found that men show more interest in sex after two or three drinks, so you might not have actually wanted to pick me up at the bar after all. Great.

I want to protect myself. More alcohol means fewer inhibitions and crappier judgment, like when it comes to wearing condoms. Don’t for a second think that I’m going to spend time arguing with you over whether or not you should be wrapping up because you’re drunk and not thinking clearly. I’d prefer you make the right call when you’re sober. I won’t put my health at risk.

I don’t want to deal with a whiskey penis. Too much alcohol can make your performance less than satisfactory, which means I wore these uncomfortable stilettos for nothing because you’ve come down with a case of whiskey penis that means booze has ruined your sexual arousal. So we’re going to spend the next half hour or so trying to revive your guy? No thanks.

I don’t find you sexy when you’re falling over yourself. If you’re sexy when you’re sober, you lose so many points on the lustful scale once you get drunk. It makes you act like an jerks, spilling drinks and thinking you look so cool on the dance floor when honestly I was about to speed-dial emergency services. You can’t hold your liquor, so what the hell makes you think that you’re going to get to hold any body part of mine? I need to be in good, solid and sober hands that know what the hell they’re doing.

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