Recently I’ve spent a fortune, not on clothes or cute haircuts or actually anything for myself but on weddings, engagement parties, and baby showers—and I’ve decided enough is enough. It’s time to throw a celebration of my own for being child- and guy-free.
- Why should I pay for someone else’s decision to have kids? Isn’t that a little unfair? You were one of the last few childless people I knew and you then decided—without consulting me—to have a baby to complete your life. Now you expect me to shower you with gifts for this? Pffft.
- I’m saving the world. I’ve made the decision not to overpopulate the world with another human and therefore I’m saving a little of the earth’s dwindling resources. If that’s not a reason to buy me a nice gift, pat me on the back, and throw me a party, I don’t know what is.
- Showers are a corporate invention designed to make us feel guilty AF. Alongside Valentine’s Day and numerous other relatively new celebrations, showers have been invented by rich corporate bods to ensure we’re all guilted into spending more money. Celebration is cool, but “gift-offs” where people try to outdo each other in the gift-buying department is seriously not.
- Engagement parties are ridiculous. I mean, think about it—we’re invited to an expensive party to celebrate the fact that you’re gonna get an additional ring at some point in the future. Does this mean I get to have a party every time I sleep with another man because he might become my boyfriend, who might become my fiance, who might eventually become my husband? No. Stop the madness.
- I need a bank loan for all the weddings I attend. I’m not totally heartless. I like a good wedding and seeing the people I love happy, but the cost involved is just ludicrous. Flights, hotel rooms, new outfits, wedding gifts… and what do you mean there isn’t a free bar all night? I want to drink at least half my money back in champagne.
- I want a bachelorette party without the wedding. Wouldn’t that be more fun? Yeah, it’s basically just a fancy girls’ night out, but how often does that happen once your friends couple up and churn out babies? If you’re invited to a bachelorette party, you kinda HAVE to go if you don’t want to look like a jerk. My party will come with way less pressure and a lot more fun. We’ll be getting wasted to celebrate my chosen freedom. That’s a much better reason to raise your glass and say cheers!
- These events reinforce old-fashioned ideas of success. Getting married, having babies, and buying a house are all grown-up milestones that show people that you’ve succeeded in life. This is why engagement parties, weddings, and baby showers are major celebrations. These milestones are great but they’re not the only markers of a life well-lived. You’re still awesome even without a husband or a gaggle of children.
- Isn’t it time to start celebrating something else? A major job promotion deserves a shower! That’s a huge milestone and career moves are rarely seen in the same light as getting engaged and are often much harder to obtain. Setting up a business definitely deserves a weekend away in Europe with shots of sambuca and silliness. All of these things—changing your career, getting over an illness, running your first ever race, making the brave decision to NOT have a child—these deserve a party too.
- Baby showers and weddings can make us feel like failures. Being the one girl who’s constantly put on the single table at the wedding and the one girl at the baby shower who’s constantly asked when they’re going to find a nice guy and pop out some kids can leave us feeling like crap about ourselves. It’s my decision to not have children but it still hurts a little when I’m made to feel bad about it. I’d like to have a party one day where people just celebrate me for being who I am. It’s not self-indulgent, really—it’s looking at people’s lives through a different lens and celebrating their non-traditional accomplishments.
- I’m not bitter, I’m just owed an amazing party. I’m genuinely happy for my friends when they find someone special enough to spend the rest of their lives with or when they announce a baby on the way. It’s lovely news and I am usually happy to celebrate. I just think after 30-something years of buying gifts and patting people on the back for their traditional milestones, I’m owed a good party. I’m not exactly where I expected I would be at this age, there’s much more stuff I want to tick off my list, but you know what? I’ve done quite a good job so far at life. I’m mostly winning—surely that deserves a finger-buffet and a bunch of cute balloons?
