I Jump Through Hoops To Save Relationships, But I’m So Over It

I used to think it was admirable to do everything in my power to save a relationship that matters to me, but I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. I’ve jumped through hoops of fire to make a relationship work and still got my heart broken by the end of it. The worst part is that it hurt my health and confidence. I’m done—here’s why.

  1. It’s not worth my sanity. If I have to work so hard to keep a relationship going but it still fails no matter what I try, that’s a huge sign that it’s not meant to be. I’m a firm believer in the saying, “You’ll never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny.”
  2. I can’t be at my best if I’m sick. Working so hard to keep dying relationships afloat often came at the cost of my energy and inner peace. I was perpetually unwell and just not feeling 100%. Thankfully, I’ve realized it’s not worth it to fight for something that makes me sick, literally.
  3. It’s not just up to me. Why the heck would I carry all the relationship burdens on my shoulders? It’s not only up to me to keep the relationship going. If my partner isn’t carrying his weight, I refuse to go one step further. I’m dropping my load right there.
  4. I need to know when to stop. I used to go in guns blazing, thinking I was some kind of relationship superhero, but not anymore. I need to know when enough’s enough. I’m not going to kill myself to save something that shouldn’t be saved or would do me more harm if I tried to “fix” it. Besides, I shouldn’t have to do that to show my partner that I care.
  5. I’m not going to try to prove my worth. I think one of the reasons I would try so hard to save a relationship was so that I could be seen in a positive light. I wanted the person I was dating to go, “Damn, she really likes me and she’s invested in this thing for real! I freaking love her!” Unfortunately, that never actually happened.
  6. I defined myself according to the relationship. Many times, I didn’t want the relationship to end because I didn’t know who I was without it. That sucks to admit but it’s true. Instead of putting all my resources and effort into figuring that out, I was trying to salvage a relationship that defined me. What a waste!
  7. I didn’t want to be the girl who gave up. I always used to think that by walking away from a relationship, I was essentially admitting defeat. I was telling the world (and all my Facebook friends) that I didn’t have what’s required to make a relationship work, guys. That’s ridiculous, though. Some relationships are honestly toxic and it’s best to cut one’s losses and leave them behind for good. Besides, who really cares what others think?
  8. Love isn’t always enough. The thing about love is that it might be great and all, but its presence in a relationship doesn’t always mean that the relationship is worth saving. I battled to make this distinction in the past, which resulted in me fighting for relationships that weren’t going to satisfy me. I thought that just because I loved the guy, he was supposed to be in my life. That’s not always true or enough!
  9. I had major FOMOOne of the things that sometimes motivated me to continue fighting for a dying relationship was that I worried about what I would miss if I ended it. I had thoughts like, “What if I leave my boyfriend and realize too late that I made a mistake?” or “What if he becomes a better boyfriend just as I leave and I miss out on it?” These would keep me stuck in a relationship, even though my heart clearly knew it was time to move on. Fear of missing out was actually making me miss out on a better life for myself.
  10. I changed too much. If I’m the only one fighting for the relationship and trying to make it better, it makes sense that I would end up changing in order to achieve my goals. But this is a twisted way of trying to be the good I want to see in the world! It became easy for me to try to be a better, more carefree, and even more trusting partner, but at what cost? I wasn’t being myself, and that’s the biggest tragedy of all.
  11. I refuse to sacrifice who I am. No one deserves me handing my real self over in exchange for ensuring that they’ll stay with me and try to make things work. Thankfully, I know my worth much more these days! I’d rather stop trying to make a relationship last. I’d rather find a partner who sees what I bring to the relationship and values me enough to say, “Stop fighting so hard. I’m here to fight with you.” If that’s not happening, I’m throwing in the towel, baby.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.