Is it just me or are there are couples everywhere you turn every time you walk out of the house? I feel like I can’t escape them—they’re everywhere. Seeing people who are seemingly happy together brings up a whole lot of feelings within me. I’m super emotional and seeing them drives me crazy.
They remind me how single I am.
When I see two lovebirds all nuzzled up on each other in public, it’s just a giant reminder for me that I don’t have a person. I feel like there’s a blinking sign over my head that reads “ALONE.” Even if others don’t see it, it’s loud and bright enough to ruin how I’m feeling. I then ruminate on the fact that I’ve been single for a long time.
I’m self-pitying about being on my own.
If it isn’t clear already, I don’t like being by myself. Rather than letting it be what it is (not a big deal and totally natural), I turn it into a way to beat myself up. I become a self-pity machine, thinking that there has to be something hugely wrong with me. I expend all this energy on getting down on myself rather than spending it building myself up.
I start to think about my flaws.
When I see a happy couple, I reflect on my own life and wonder why I don’t have someone. Then I start to feel like I’m fundamentally broken like I have so many flaws that they’re drowning me. I begin to think about how I’m probably too intense for most people and how I’m “too much” in general. All I focus on are my perceived flaws.
I feel lonely when I see them.
A huge wave of loneliness falls over me when I see happy couples, especially when I’m in public on a sunny day. I look around and it seems there are couples on every corner. My feeling of being totally alone just increases tenfold, even if I’m with friends or family! It’s almost worse when I’m with other people because then I feel alone in a crowded room.
My jealousy starts to boil.
I get mad at the people who are happy and feel like I could just scream. I start to judge them and get mean in my head. Jealousy is a dangerous game because it can bring me down all kinds of mental rabbit holes. Then I’m internally rolling my eyes and saying “ugh.”
I always think the couples are all super happy.
The thing is that I have no idea what’s going on in these couple’s lives. They could have unhappy and toxic relationships for all I know. I assume that everyone is happy except me, but who knows who’s actually happy and who’s not? Instead, I should probably assume that they’re human like me and have their ups and downs.
My feelings are valid but not super rational.
It’s OK that I’m feeling all of these feelings. They’re valid and they’re allowed to be there. However, a wise person once told me that my feelings aren’t facts. Just because I feel terribly alone doesn’t mean I am. I can validate how I’m feeling and also acknowledge that these thoughts aren’t serving me. They don’t align with reality.
I’m afraid I’m going to be alone forever.
I genuinely worry that I’m never going to find someone I’m compatible with because I’ve had a history of messy relationships. I’m growing and learning to be a better me, but this doesn’t stop me from thinking that no one will ever love me.
I have a big desire for a relationship.
All of this fear, sadness, and anger is coming from a soft place inside me that just wants to have a partner to love and be loved by. I’ve had this desire for as long as I can remember, I probably blame it on the fairy tales we’re fed as kids. I’ve just always had a yearning in my heart for another person.
I believe I have to make peace with being alone before I can be with someone else.
Look, I know all of this is a bit problematic and I have some work to do. My main goal right now is to make peace with being alone. I genuinely don’t think that I can ever be happy with someone else unless I’ve found happiness within myself, so as much as couples drive me crazy, they’re teaching me lessons and moving me along my path.
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