Sorry, But I Can’t Get Down With Period Cups—Here’s Why

Ever since period cups came into existence, they’ve been proclaimed the holy grail of feminine hygiene products. The companies that make them swear they’re the best things to ever happen to periods and the answer to all the problems that come with bleeding every month. Sure, period cups are better for the environment and would save me a lot of money in the long run, but I’d rather bleed all over myself than use one.

It takes forever to get it to fit.

I’ve been using tampons all my life, so I thought that inserting a period cup and making sure it’s in place would be child’s play. I couldn’t have been more wrong. After finally picking a cup you hope is the right size, you will have to bend and twist your body in many directions in an attempt to insert it right—and you will definitely fail at least half a dozen times before you figure out an angle that works.

It gives discomfort a new meaning.

Isn’t the whole point of using a period cup to fuss less over the whole period experience? Depending on how your cervix is angled, there’s a good chance you won’t be comfortable with a cup inside you. There’s no way of knowing if it’s out of place until you find an unwelcome crimson surprise in your underwear. Constantly fidgeting every time I get my period is simply not worth the few bucks I get to save.

You literally have to dig it back out.

If you somehow manage to get the cup inside you, the battle still isn’t over. Now comes the exasperating task of having to remove it. You might actually need to enlist the help of your partner or friend to help you get the stupid thing out or be prepared to make a trip to the emergency room when all your efforts fail. I refuse to willingly put myself in such a mortifying situation. Life is hard enough as it is.

I’m not cool with being face to face with that much blood.

I know periods are completely natural and should have absolutely no shame attached to them, but period cups do the most. It collects the blood instead of absorbing it like tampons and pads. Spending several minutes a day looking at what is basically blood soup with dead tissue and clots swimming around is not my idea of a good time.

It smells like a chicken died in your vagina.

Seriously, we’re talking about a cup that has to sit inside the warm environment of my body and collect blood for hours. Of course it’s going to stink. It might come from my insides, but it’s still gross and wanting to avoid unnecessary smells does not make me any less proud of my body.

The risk of infection is too high for me.

I have a really sensitive body and the slightest bit of irritation can upset it. The whole process of inserting a period cup, emptying it out, cleaning it, and putting it back in just seems like I’m asking for trouble. I might introduce bacteria into my vagina despite my best efforts. As if the evil it has done isn’t enough, using a period cup makes you more susceptible to toxic shock syndrome.

One wrong move means blood everywhere.

The truth is that I’m way too lazy to afford turning the bathroom into a horror movie scene every time I have to empty a period cup. Why waste all that time cleaning my bloody mess when I could save myself the time and trouble by using a tampon?

Cleaning it is a very special exercise.

To avoid contamination and other stories of regrets, you have to rigorously clean your period cups. The best way to do this by putting them in a pot or microwave and boiling it. No one would ever eat in my house again if they knew I put my kitchenware to such use. Some brands make a special wash that you can use to clean your cup until you get a chance to boil, but it’s still a resounding no from me.

It makes the menstruation experience 10 times harder.

From the process of selection to actually using the product, period cups are an absolute nuisance. I have not come this far as a grown woman to end up being frustrated with myself and my period all over again like a confused teenager. Until they develop period cups that actually make life easier for me, I’m sticking with my tampons. My sincerest apologies to mother earth.

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