I’m Picky When It Comes To Love, Not Cold — There’s A Difference

“You’re unapproachable.”
“You’re intimidating.”
“You’re cold.”
These are things I’ve been told by men in the past but I really don’t see it. I mean, anyone will tell you I’m a really friendly person. It’s just that I don’t connect with a lot of guys. This is not because I’m unapproachable, intimidating or cold. It’s simply because of these 12 reasons.

  1. I take my time to get to know someone. I’m not going to be my friendliest, most interesting and funniest self with a guy I don’t even know. It’s just not who I am. I prefer to show my best side to someone who is worthy of my time. Guys who are used to women falling all over them from the first minute of chatting to them might see this as “unapproachable” but it’s really not.
  2. I don’t feel the need to impress anyone. I just want to be myself, without putting on all the frills and charm to try to impress a guy I meet. I’ve done too much of that crap in the past and it just made me feel stupid. Now that I’m older, I really want to see what value someone will bring to my life just as much as I’ll be sure to bring value to theirs. It’s a two-way street.
  3. Attention is earned. I don’t lower my walls too quickly for someone I’ve just met. Just like respect is earned, so is my attention. I don’t want to give all my attention and energy to someone who I’ll later discover isn’t worth it. Been there, done that, got the emotional scars.
  4. I’m put off easily. Admittedly, it doesn’t take a lot to put me off someone. The second I catch a whiff of arrogance, commitment issues, unresolved ex-girlfriend issues, selfishness, or other red flags (yes, there’s a long list), I emotionally retreat. It’s just that I don’t feel I should waste my time on someone who’s not right for me. Why do anyone favors if that means screwing myself over?
  5. I hate small talk. Small talk is the worst. If I’m chatting to someone and we don’t have much of a connection, I’m not just going to start talking about the weather. Yikes. I’m sick of people running at the mouth with a load of nonsense. If that makes me cold, then I’m cold.
  6. It’s called having high standardsPeople seem to get really annoyed when I say I’m fussy because I have high standards. No, it doesn’t mean I think I’m better than anyone else. It just means that I know my worth and a guy who’s not right for me isn’t someone I think I should spend my time with. No hard feelings, but I’d rather just get the check and leave, thanks.
  7. I follow my gut. Too often in the past, I’ve ignored my intuition when it was telling me to move away from a guy instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt. Now I listen to it because it knows what it’s talking about. If I don’t see a connection with someone, I’m not going to try to create one if my gut is screaming at me to let the guy go. I’d rather be called “cold” but listen to my higher self.
  8. I like to let things flow. By not trying too hard to connect with someone when meeting them, I allow things to happen naturally. There’s either chemistry there or there isn’t. By trying so hard to be charming and interesting and so on, I’m just covering up that truth. I’d rather let it show right from the start so we both know what we’re dealing with. And if there’s no connection, I’m not going to beat myself up about it.
  9. I let the guy make the first move. I’ve made the first move on guys in the past and always hated it. It was an easy way for them to let me make all the effort. I’d rather just let the guy make the first move, which means that if I’m single I don’t enter a party and try to connect with all the attractive guys I see. I’d rather do my own thing and let them come over to me if they like. It might be seen as intimidating, but it’s really just what’s most comfortable for me.
  10. Friendliness can be mistaken for something else. A guy once approached me at a club and hit on me. I didn’t like him one bit but I was still friendly to him and gave him my time. Big mistake. He mistook that for romantic interest and wouldn’t leave me alone. He even tried to get my phone number from my friend. It was fucked up. Since then, I’ve learned that it’s sometimes better not to be too friendly so as not to cause more problems for myself. I’d rather save all that friendliness for someone I actually want to talk to so that there are no mixed signals.
  11. I’m selfish about my time. It takes a lot for me to let someone into my life. I want to be surrounded by wonderful, positive and honest people. Those do not come easily, so I’m really picky about the people I meet. I’m also selfish about my time and don’t want to waste it around the wrong people – those who drain me, bring me down or hurt me. It’s not being selfish. It’s about self-preservation.
  12. Just because I’m picky it doesn’t mean I’m judgmentalI’m really not a mean person or someone who judges others. I just know what I’m looking for and stick to that. It’s not like I’m nasty to others or treat them unfairly. It’s a common misconception that being fussy makes one super judgmental, but it’s total BS.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.