If you’re squeamish when talking about dropping the kids off at the pool, so to speak, then you should probably stop reading this piece now. We’re here to talk about the infamous poop knife. What is it and why do so many people seem to have one? The truth is horrifying and also kinda hilarious.
It all started on Reddit. Like most weird/insane/gross things, the poop knife became public knowledge—and fodder for public discussion—due to a Reddit thread in which the user LearnedButt shared a troubling experience he’d recently had at a friend’s house in which he asked to use the friend’s poop knife, totally unaware that not everyone has one.
Let’s back up here… In the now-deleted post, LearnedButt shared that his family has always kept a knife in the bathroom specifically for cutting up poop that is too stubborn to go down the toilet. So, when he dropped a deuce at his friend’s place, he expected his friend would be adequately prepared for such an event by having a poop knife at the ready. He didn’t, and the whole party heard him shouting his request. Even OP’s own wife was shocked when she learned of the existence of a poop knife in their own house, though thankfully she’d only used the knife to open Amazon boxes.
This is not an uncommon thing, apparently!!! One of the most popular comments in the thread came from someone who shared their own horror poop knife story. While hanging out at a buddy’s house, the poster’s friend’s sister nonchalantly walked into the kitchen and grabbed a pocket knife before heading back to the bathroom. Intrigued/concerned about what was going on, the sister was questioned about what was happening and the truth was revealed: she’d been using that kitchen knife (which, again, was kept in a kitchen drawer!!!) to cut up the colossal turds she was laying whenever she had her period. OP and the other friends present were sworn to secrecy, which they vowed to keep… except for the Reddit thread, I guess.
The horror doesn’t end there. Other commenters jumped in revealing that while they don’t have a poop knife, as such, they do have other implements they use to break up stubborn toilet logs. “My family uses a spatula, affectionately referred to as ‘The Shatula,'” one user wrote. “Obviously, it stays in the upstairs bathroom, which is the proper place to go for such an event, and we don’t use it in the kitchen.” YIKES. Another admitted that their family users a RULER to break up poop. What is this madness?!
What is going on with these people’s diets? I get that IBS is super common and sometimes you’re going to have a nasty trip to the toilet, but if this is happening enough that you literally need to have a dedicated implement to break up your bowel movements, I feel like you need to seek medical attention. This is insane!
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