Your boyfriend may not be scared of you but I bet there are certain questions he wouldn’t dare to send your way because the potential ramifications are too great. That’s why I’m here on your boyfriend’s behalf—he wanted me to ask you something.
Will you please stop hanging out with that guy?
This is (usually) an irrational insecurity and everyone knows it, but sometimes there’s a good reason why one of your male friends rub us the wrong way. It’s generally because as men, we know how other men work: in very mysterious, horny ways. This is why we tend to not trust strange guys hanging around our girlfriends alone. It’s not you, it’s him. Of course, we should be allowed to hang out with that girl you hate because that’s how unreasonable we’re being right now.
Will you be paying?
When it comes to relationships, the financial dynamic should eventually settle to a natural 50/50 split over time (with some potential leeway either side depending on current salary differences). However, in the beginning of a relationship, we guys often feel compelled to pay for your meal, your movie, your gas, and whatever you else you want—you name it, it’s yours. It’d be nice if you chipped in every once in a while.
Your beauty products and hairs are everywhere—WTF?
One aspect of female grooming which has always astonished us is how standard household items seem to multiply. There are suddenly four products in the shower with names we can’t pronounce and they all do the same thing! Every single one is almost empty too! Also, how are there 52 hair bands in our bed? There are long blonde hairs woven into our carpet! We feel like our very habitat is under threat here!
Have you gained weight?
Duck and cover! Look, all sizes are beautiful, and generally speaking, we’re into everything. However, our personal stance on this touchy subject is as follows: if we’re working my ass off to stay in shape for you then it’s disrespectful if you don’t at least give it a try. In that same breath, however, if your boyfriend is getting super chubby, then you should intentionally get super chubby too and then you can have super chubby sex. It’ll be great.
Could we maybe try anal/filming/a threesome?
Best case scenario, all three at once! The problem with modern men (and women!) is that we’ve all been raised on a lot of pornography, an integral part of our lives since long before the recommended age was reached. This means that our idea of sex usually includes flattering lights, professional makeup, exaggerated noises, and certain acts which would have got people burnt at the stake in the 1600s. Chances are, your boyfriend has asked for one or two strange sex deeds before, but all of them? If so, he’s a brave man… and a real keeper.
Could we hang out with my friends instead?
It doesn’t matter if your friends are the coolest rats in the pack—there’s still a pretty good chance that your boyfriend would rather spend time with his buddies instead. Why? Same reason you want to hang out with your friends: it’s comfortable. They know who you are. You can use a word incorrectly in a sentence and they won’t hold it against you. Oh, and while we’re at it, we may love your parents, but dinner with them can sometimes turn into a highly stressful situation. Your dad looks at us like he knows what we’ve been doing.
Why did you cut your hair?
We’ve all been through those traumatic episodes when the hairdresser gets it wrong, and now it’s either hat-month or a casual conversation where we pretend that it’s what we wanted all along. Either way, as your boyfriend, it’s our responsibility to bite down on our tongues and fake that it looks good because that’s how much we love you. But you look like Justin Bieber now, just so you know.
How does my penis compare to your ex’s penis?
They say size doesn’t matter, it’s how you use it, but we’re still curious. How well did your ex use his penis? Also, how big was it? Honestly, the reason guys typically avoid such questions is that deep down, we know that we don’t want to know. Just tell us that we’re the best, OK?
Could you please just give me some freakin’ space?
It doesn’t have to be after an argument and it doesn’t mean that we’re questioning our relationship either. It’s simply that we require some alone time with our thoughts now and again. We need to not talk about our feelings. We need to contemplate the importance of our existence while our bodies are being propelled upon a gigantic rock revolving around a burning star floating in the infinite darkness of space. We need to drink a quiet beer. The whole concept of a man cave was based on this very desire.
What are you actually saying?
Remember that scene in The Notebook when Ryan Gosling was all like, “What do you want? What do you want?” Whether men know it or not, that Ryan Gosling is our spirit animal. It applies to when you say you’re “fine” and that nothing is wrong but it also applies to when we’re ordering takeout. Man Language is different from Woman Language. We need help with the translation sometimes, please.
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