You don’t always get closure during a breakup, especially if it’s sudden. What sucks even more is that it can be hard to heal without it, which is why so many people have a post-breakup conversation just to clear the air. If you’re struggling to move on but don’t quite know what it is you need for your ex to get closure, here are some questions to ask.
- What’s your perspective of what happened? This is one of the most important questions you can ask to get closure. There are two sides to a story; the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. Asking for your ex’s perspective can reveal things you never even noticed or considered. It gives you both room to explain the reasoning for your actions.
- Can you understand my point of view? If your ex did something to hurt you, they might not have understood at the time or taken accountability at the time. Because of that, this is one of the most important closure questions for healing. With some space between you and time to cool down, it might be the time to try again and explain why what they did was wrong and why it was hurtful. Hopefully, they’ll own up and apologize. If they don’t, you at least know breaking up was the right call.
- Was anything I did a deal-breaker? It’s hard to admit, but sometimes we’re wrong without even realizing it. So, allowing your ex to honestly say if there was a major deal-breaker can help you be a better version of yourself in future relationships. It might also just be a case of having incompatible lifestyles and worldviews, but the answer is good to know either way.
- Was I a good partner? While you might be a good person and a great friend, you could suck at being a partner. For some people, a good relationship dynamic just doesn’t come easy. But if you never learn, you’re going to have the same issues in relationships over and over. Maybe it’s a recurring theme that all your exes think you prioritized your friends over them. This is one of those questions that might not give you closure, especially if you don’t get the answer you’re hoping for.
- When did you know things were over? Again, there are two sides to every story. To you, the breakup might have seemed abrupt and out of nowhere while your ex saw it as a long time coming. It can hurt to feel like your ex just woke up one random morning and decided they were done for seemingly no reason, so this can help you understand they loved you enough to try to stick it out, but sometimes it just doesn’t work.
- What would you have done differently? You might be over for good, but it can be validating to hear that your ex would treat you better if they knew what they know now. This can help give you closure because it questions their own feelings about their behavior towards you throughout the relationship. Sometimes it’s just nice to know that you weren’t crazy in hating some of the things they did or the ways they acted.
- Do you wish we never met? After a bad breakup, it’s understandable to wish you’d never met at all. With a closure conversation, you both might reflect and come to the conclusion that the good times outweighed the bad, or at the very least, the life lessons along the way were worth it.
More questions to ask your ex to get closure
- How has this relationship changed you? Sometimes lessons are best learned the hard way. Most people don’t enter and come out of a relationship the same. For example, maybe your ex took all their bad days in work out on you, but seeing that it cost them the relationship was a wake-up call to learn how to manage their emotions. It won’t undo the past and you probably won’t get back together, but it can be healing to know they’re better for it. Asking questions like this is more like a gift of closure for your ex than for you as it helps them reflect on the part they played in the breakup.
- Are you seeing anyone? Seeing your ex with someone else can hurt, but eventually, they’re going to move on. Since you’re not together anymore, they’re not a bad person for doing so. Some people want to know if their ex is dating so they’re not caught off guard if they happen to run into them with their new partner, which is why it’s one of the most popular closure questions.
- Will we actually be friends? People regularly throw in, “But we can still be friends” during a breakup, but they rarely actually mean it. Some people are happy to be friends or at least acquaintances with their ex while others would rather have a clean break. This is a chance to ask if friendship is truly on the table if it was only suggested in the moment to soften the blow. You also need to acknowledge that sometimes wanting to be friends could come from a place of being unable to let your ex go, so you’re only prolonging the healing process.
- Do you feel any resentment towards me? Resenting an ex is pretty common. If you hurt someone, they’re entitled to feel that way. It’s hard to hear, but again, it’s an opportunity to learn and be better. You might not understand the full gravity of what happened or the consequences until confronted with the bitter truth. Again, it’s a wake-up call, not an attack. This is one of the closure questions that may be painful to hear the answer to but that’s important to ask.
- What was it that drew you to me in the first place? Even if you broke up, there was something about your ex that you liked in the first place. If you’re feeling low after a breakup, being reminded of your good traits can be a confidence boost.
- What do you need from me to move on? What you need to heal and what your ex needs to heal might be two completely different things which is why this is one of the most important closure questions. Your ex might admit they need to go no-contact and even block you on social media for a few months while they process the breakup. You’re going to have to respect their boundaries or find some way to compromise on this one. You might get closure here, but the answer to questions like these might make you pretty sad.
- Are we done for good? We all know couples who break up and get back together so many times; you don’t believe them if they say their last breakup is for real. If you have a history of being on and off or suspect it was just the right person at the wrong time, address it before getting your hopes up and wasting time waiting. Your ex might be set on never getting back together, so it’s best to rip the band-aid off. Be clear on if it’s a breakup or a break.