While the movies make weddings look either completely chaotic or beautiful and perfect, it’s a lot more complicated in real life. Add in the fact that you’ve already been married and you likely have a lot of strong feelings about tying the knot again. But even if you feel in your heart that your current partner should be your spouse, you should pause and ask yourself a few things before making that big legal commitment.
1. “Do I actually want to get married or do I feel pressure?”
It can be easy to assume that of course, you want to get married again. You’re in love, you found the right person, and everything is going smoothly. But is a second marriage something that you desire, or do you think that other people expect it from you? You might feel pressured by your partner, kids, family, or friends to tie the knot. Think about what you really want, listen to your gut, and the answer will definitely become clear.
2. “Do I see any red flags that were present in my first marriage?”
Although there are ways to make sure you don’t fall for a toxic partner, you might still find yourself about to marry the wrong person again. It’s good to ask yourself if you see any problems from your first marriage repeating themselves in your current relationship. Maybe you’re still not getting the emotional intimacy you need and your partner always chooses work over you. Whatever it may be, if you’re spotting red flags, then it’s best to call off the engagement (or decide to break up before getting to that point).
3. “Could I handle getting divorced again (emotionally and financially)?”
While no one wants to think about a marriage ending before it’s even begun, it’s possible that if you get married for the second time, it might not work out. Before choosing flowers and making a (often stressful) seating chart, it’s smart to think about the financial reality of paying for a divorce lawyer. It’s also fair if getting divorced was hard emotionally for you and you don’t want to go through that again.
4. “Would I still marry my partner without a big, fancy wedding?”
It’s fun to imagine a wedding with all your loved ones, a great band, and hopefully, some delicious food. What if that wasn’t possible? Would you be okay to go to city hall and have a small but lovely celebration with your closest family and friends? If you can confidently answer yes, then getting married again is the right decision. You’re with the right person and not just getting swept up in wedding planning fever.
5. “Does my partner have any reservations?”
Your partner may seem excited about wedding planning… but there’s a possibility they’re secretly worried about committing. It would be terrible to get married again and realize they weren’t ready. Whether you have an engagement ring on your finger already or not, you should have a few serious conversations about the future before making a down payment on a venue. It’ll be upsetting to learn the truth, but better to find out now than later.
6. “What would happen if my partner and I didn’t get married?”
You meet someone, go on a few dates, commit to each other, become a big part of each other’s lives, and get engaged… right? Even though it often seems like this is the regular trajectory that every romance follows, not every relationship has to. Ask yourself what would happen if you and your partner stayed together but decided not to tie the knot. Chances are nothing would change and you would both still be happy. If that’s the case, you might not want to make this commitment again.
7. “How do we handle arguments and other conflict?”
You might have gotten divorced because you and your ex weren’t in agreement about having children or other big life changes. Maybe one of you got a cool new job offer in another city and long-distance tore you apart. But no matter why you split up, you likely had a lot of conflict. Before tying the knot a second time, ask yourself if you and your partner can work through low points without hurting each other.
8. “Have we combined finances or talked about money?”
Even if money problems didn’t cause your divorce, it’s risky to get married again without talking to your partner about finances. You should talk about things like how much savings you both have and whether or not you want to set up a shared bank account. It’s understandable if these topics scare you, but it’s not a good idea to get married again unless you work out this important issue.
9. “Are we going to live in the house/apartment I shared with my ex?”
You and your current partner are living in the home you still own… but since you lived there with your ex, they’re not thrilled about the prospect of staying there forever. The problem? You’re attached to your home. You put in a perfect backyard garden and renovated the kitchen exactly to your taste. If you want to get married again, it’s smart to ask your partner how they really feel. If they’re that uncomfortable, it might be time to move and make some new great memories.
10. “Do I like their family?”
While of course, it’s important for you to enjoy your partner’s family’s company even before you get married, this becomes even more crucial when you make that commitment. Maybe in your first marriage, you argued over where to spend the holidays and spent hours wondering if your mother-in-law’s most recent passive-aggressive comment was on purpose. This time around, you don’t want to be in the same tricky situation. Ask yourself how you feel about your new partner’s family and think about whether the situation will be better.
11. “How close am I to my ex?”
You might have had an amicable divorce and still get along with your ex-spouse. Maybe you’re co-parenting peacefully and happily and even have them over for Sunday night pasta. But if your new partner is uncomfortable with your close relationship with your ex, you want to work out that problem before getting married again. This will save you a lot of issues with your potential second spouse down the line.
12. “Do my kids/family/friends like my new partner?
You didn’t think you would find love after your divorce, but your partner feels perfect for you. Do the people in your life agree? If your loved ones think your partner is your ideal match, then go ahead and marry them. If they have some problems with them or think you’re making a mistake, you should definitely take their feelings into account. They saw you suffer during your first marriage, and they might see something that you can’t.
13. “Did I work through my divorce properly?”
Healing from a divorce takes time, even in the best-case scenarios. Whether you talked to a therapist or went on a life-changing European vacation that helped you heal, you should ask yourself if you’ve really moved on completely before making this commitment again. If you have any lingering feelings for your ex or are still upset and resentful, you might not want to get married just yet.
14. “Am I rushing into another marriage?”
If it’s been a year or less since you got divorced, you might not be ready to walk down the aisle again. Even if you’re in love, you might want to wait a little while longer so you can be completely sure this is the right path to go down. Jumping into another marriage could work out, but it could also cause some pain for both of you. If it’s meant to be, waiting another year or so won’t ruin anything.
15. “Am I really in love or do I just not want to be alone?”
It’s natural to feel lonely, especially if it’s been a while since your divorce was finalized and you really want a companion. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner but it can be easy to convince yourself that you love someone when you’re nervous about staying single. If your reasoning for getting married is that you want to be a part of a committed couple again, it’s probably not a good idea. If you can enjoy your own company, you’ll get married again when the time is definitely right.
