You guys are vibing and everything’s going great, then suddenly he seems to just lose interest out of nowhere. What happened? I asked a guy friend for an explanation for why this happens so often and here’s what you may be doing wrong.
You immediately try to change him. “I once had a girl who threw out my expired salsa the first time she came to my apartment,” my guy friend explained. “She gave me a lecture on eating expired food. If she was my girlfriend, I might have allowed that, but this was a first date! I really wanted that salsa.” The takeaway? Don’t start implementing your own rules on his territory right away.
You diss his hobbies. “I dated this girl that I really liked but she made it clear right away that she thought my hobbies were stupid. I think ‘waste of time’ was the exact phrase she used. That made me feel pretty low since I’d spent a lot of time on this particular hobby and was pretty proud of myself.” You may not be into the same things he is but that doesn’t give you a right to insult his hobbies and passions. Keep your unnecessary opinions to yourself, at least this early on.
You take yourself too seriously. “If she can’t laugh at herself or she thinks every joke you make you make is a topic you shouldn’t joke about, it can get kinda tense. I think most guys want someone they can joke around with, and if you can’t, it’s a pretty big turn-off.”
You’re a bit of a snob. “If you don’t like kids, that’s fine, but if you’re the type to start complaining at a restaurant because there are kids next to us, I’m probably going to think you’re a snob. I would think most guys would like a girl who’s at least kind to children and animals. You don’t have to want 10 of them, but you do have to show some compassion.”
You rush things too quickly. “I was dating this girl once who would make plans, like, a year in advance. We weren’t even exclusive yet! I think I said something like, ‘yeah, if we’re together by then’ and she kind of freaked out, asking me why we wouldn’t be. That scared me a little, to be honest.” If things are meant to be, they will be. You don’t need to try to lock down forever with a guy right away, and if you do, it’ll likely have the opposite effect and scare him away.
You text too much or not at all. “I’ve been on both ends of this spectrum. If you’re texting me all day, every day, I’m liable to get annoyed. On the other hand, if you take six hours to respond to one text, I’m gonna start making other plans.” Basically, it’s all about striking a balance and it shouldn’t be that hard.
You don’t really want to get to know him. Just like girls, guys can start to feel used if the only room you want to hang out in is his bedroom. “There was once a girl I really liked and I would ask her on dates and stuff. She would come over and all she would want to do is have sex. Sometimes I would get bored, you know? Like, don’t you want to see a movie or something? Maybe grab something to eat? It became clear after a few weeks that she wasn’t interested in getting to know me.”
You’re not making your needs clear but you still get mad when he doesn’t pick up on them. “My ex-girlfriend used to do this thing where I would ask her what she wanted to do and she would always say she didn’t care. But clearly she did care because when she broke up with me, she told me that she didn’t like that I never took her out to her favorite restaurants. Now I steer clear of girls who don’t tell me exactly what they want.”
You catfish him. “I’ve gone on several dates with girls who just didn’t look like their picture at all. I might have still gone on those dates if their picture was a true representation of them, but the fact that they tried to deceive me just turned me off. Clearly you know you don’t look like you did in the picture from 10 years ago. Just put a picture up of yourself now and things will go a lot better.” You’d hate it if a guy did this to you so don’t do it to him.
You define yourself with words instead of actions. “There are girls who will tell you how nice they are, how country they are, or how they are family-oriented. That’s fine, but if it’s all you want to talk about, it ends up being kind of weird. If you’re a nice girl, I’ll see that by your actions—you don’t have to tell me every 10 minutes. And I can tell you’re ‘country’ by the cowboy boots. It comes off as you wanting to be this one-dimensional person. Surely there are other aspects to who you are? I’d rather see it in your actions.”
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