People Are ‘Quiet Quitting’ Their Relationships — Here’s What That Looks Like

Quiet quitting is gaining traction in the workplace in 2022 and that’s likely to continue in years to come. Many people are quiet quitting their jobs after becoming disillusioned with high stress and low pay, leading them to avoid giving it their all while on the clock. However, this trend also has its place in relationships, and it’s becoming an increasingly popular way for people to ditch their partners too.

What is quiet quitting?

  1. In essence, it’s about boundaries. In its traditional form, quiet quitting is all about doing the bare minimum in your job to avoid getting fired. Instead of going over the top by staying late, doing work that’s outside of your purview, and really striving to impress your managers or bosses, you basically set a boundary that protects you from wasting your time and being taken advantage of.
  2. In relationships, quiet quitting is much the same. A person who does this stops pulling their weight in the relationship. They’re there, but not really. They don’t seem like they’re all that invested in being there and they might as well not be. It’s a way of breaking up (or so they hope) when you don’t have the cojones to actually end the relationship properly.
  3. While quiet quitting in relationships is only just beginning to be talked about, it’s been going on for a long time. “Quiet quitting in romantic relationships is nothing new. People adopt varied styles of engagement in their romantic relationships just like they do at work,” says psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato, Ph.D. “No surprise then, that romantic partners can limit their involvement with their relationship and ‘work to rule’ just like they might for a job.”

How to recognize quiet quitting

  1. They’ve stopped engaging. Your partner used to be totally in it, engaged and turned on, and an active part of your relationship. These days, they seem detached or uninvested, seemingly without explanation. Nothing you say or do seems to interest them much, and it’s hard to get them excited about anything to do with the relationship anymore.
  2. Their “boundaries” seem extreme and/or create distance between you. While quiet quitting in the workplace can be a good thing — it assures your job doesn’t take over your life as a whole, in many cases — in relationships, this manifests as a partner pulling away under the guise of setting boundaries. In a healthy relationship, boundaries are firmly in place from the beginning. If a partner tries to set them later in the relationship as an excuse to avoid spending time together or to keep you at a distance, this is quiet quitting and will no doubt ruin the relationship.
  3. They never have time for you anymore. It’s vital to have a life outside of your relationship consisting of friends, family, hobbies and passions, and even your career, if you’re living entirely separate lives, why are you even together? Someone guilty of quiet quitting their relationship may very well make you feel as if there’s no room for you anymore. They’re always “super busy” to the point that you’re no longer a priority, making you feel awful.
  4. Things have been slowly but surely going downhill. The thing with quiet quitting that makes it so painful and so hard to recognize at first is how slowly it happens. Unlike ghosting or a straight-up breakup, this doesn’t happen overnight. You can tell things are getting more strained between you, you just don’t know why. You don’t realize that your partner is pulling away from the relationship little by little until you suddenly realize there’s nothing left.
  5. They’re no longer affectionate with you. Your partner used to hug you, offer you little kisses throughout the day, and hold your hand. These days, you can’t remember the last time they touched you. Quiet quitting means disengaging physically as well as emotionally, leaving you starved for affection.
  6. They always seem like they’re somewhere else when you’re together. Even if you’ve been super busy at work this week and haven’t had much quality time together, someone who’s quiet quitting their relationship won’t be anxious to see you or take advantage of your time together when they do. They don’t ask you questions about what’s been happening, they seem like they’re constantly somewhere else mentally, and they obviously just don’t want to be there.

Why don’t they just break up with you instead?

Someone who’s quiet quitting clearly no longer wants to be in the relationship, but they may find it difficult to cut the cord, especially if there are ties that bind you. For instance, if you live together, moving out may be expensive and simply unfeasible financially for the other person. If you have children together, they may not want to scar them or create unnecessary stress in their lives by leaving. These are things that can be worked with if the relationship is truly over, but it’s hard to help the quiet quitter realize that. Instead, they engage in passive-aggressiveness, which is painful and unfair to the other person.

Jennifer Still is a writer and editor with more than 10 years of experience. The managing editor of Bolde, she has bylines in Vanity Fair, Business Insider, The New York Times, Glamour, Bon Appetit, and many more. You can follow her on Twitter @jenniferlstill
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