You think you’ve finally found the perfect guy, then bam—you’re confronted with some ugly hidden truths. Don’t expect him to be forthcoming just because he says he’s ready to commit. If you can’t ask him uncomfortable questions, is your relationship as solid as you thought it was anyway? Learn from my mistakes and proceed with caution before making major moves until you verify these important details.
- How much debt he has If you’re building a life with him, you have a right to know what you’re getting yourself into. Don’t wait until it’s time to cosign a new vehicle or mortgage loan together before getting a clear picture of his financial situation. We all have a past when it comes to student loans, vehicles, property, medical bills, etc. but this is information you don’t want to be blindsided with after the fact. You also don’t want to put yourself in a position where you’ll be held accountable for the debt he accumulated before you even started a relationship with him.
- Who “she” is Again, we all have history, but if she’s going to continue to be around him and both of you together, then prior hookups should be made known. This is exactly the type of girl who ends up next in line after you two are done and it’s not cool to keep options on the side right under your nose. Don’t just accept that “she’s just a friend” or “she’s not important/nobody” crap.
- His spending habits This one dude asked me to borrow money to pay his debt to someone else from before our relationship. Hold up. I’m not medical insurance and don’t cover pre-existing conditions, and you shouldn’t either. Your financial decisions and monetary allocations with your man should be mutually beneficial and agreed upon between the both of you. His personal liabilities should’ve been taken care of prior to you.
- His sexual health status I’m going to say this loudly for the people in the back–take your sexual health seriously! There is no room for laziness in this area, period. Just asking a guy if he’s been tested and is clean is not enough. Look at the papers yourself. Better yet, go together and get up-to-date results. Don’t play Russian Roulette with potential diseases and land on one you have to live with permanently.
- His effort and involvement with his kids Some guys can be truly misleading when it comes to this. The way they talk about their kids can make them seem like the proudest candidate for Father of the Year when in reality, they’re basically a weekend dad by choice. Never take what he says at face value when it comes to his parenting because people can get very defensive about this topic. Note what he’s actually doing for his family on paper and not through word of his mouth alone. If he can de-prioritize his own DNA, how significant do you expect to be to him after some time?
- His interaction with the mother of his children This is another common area of dishonesty from men. Trust me, he does not want you to know if he’s still messing around with her and will claim anything to have you think that’s not the case if it is. My personal rule is if I ever get to the point of meeting and being around a man’s children, I need to have a talk with their mother. As a woman, it’s a simple courtesy of respect if you’ll be a potential influence in her kids’ lives. It’s also a chance to find out if there’s anything you still need to be worried about with her. Don’t be naïve and assume since they’re no longer together, he’s magically not attracted to her anymore because at one point he obviously was enough to procreate.
- How many children he even has Just cause you don’t see them around and haven’t heard anything about them doesn’t mean they don’t exist. This is especially true from a guy who refused to sign the birth certificate and knows he’s being a straight-up deadbeat. Since there’s no record, it’s not like you’re able to search the information in a DNA database or public records. Once again, if he can look the other way from his responsibilities, it won’t be long before he starts slacking off with you. You also don’t want to find out down the line how much child support he currently is or might later on be shelling out from your joint resources.
- His criminal past I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it: Google is a wealth of information. Do yourself a favor and take some time to investigate people you know. Don’t be so quick to assume it will be obvious if you’re with someone questionable. Ted Bundy had a whole girlfriend with a child he was helping to raise while he was out killing, remember? I literally found out one of my boyfriends was a registered sex offender after we had been dating for some time. Unless he had his records expunged, you should be able to find mug shots and newspaper listings of illegal activity, if there was any.
- His family tree This really was as bizarre as it sounds, but this one guy lied to me about who his own biological mother was. If you’re serious enough in your relationship with him to talk about walking down the aisle, then his family is about to also become yours. You should know who is in it and have a good idea of what role they played in his life. Knowing who raised him and their general values can tell you a lot about how he became who he is today.