Real Men Are So Terrible That All My Crushes Are On Fictional Characters

I’ve had so many traumatizing experiences with real men that at this point, I’d rather just have crushes on fictional dudes who are impossibly perfect and endlessly lovable. Until I meet a real-life Steve Trevor or Newt Scamander, I think I’ll stay single.

  1. Fictional men will never betray me. I don’t have to be afraid of my fictional crushes suddenly ghosting on me or disappearing from my life forever because they’re “just too busy for a relationship right now.” Despite all the promises they make, real guys might still cheat on me, betray me, or reveal themselves to be completely different people than I thought they were. No thanks.
  2. They can be a whole lot nicer than real men. We’ve all encountered guys in books or films whose personalities were so charismatic and their behavior so gentlemanly that they seemed to be an extinct species. The truth is, it’s easier to idealize guys from the page or screen because they’re not real and we’ll never actually encounter them, but it’s a shame guys even half as charming don’t exist in the waking world.
  3. Fictional guys are way more adventurous. Whether it’s Harry Potter or Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, fictional crushes tend to be more proactive, adventurous, and thrill-seeking because of the stories they’re a part of. Once I compare them to my lazy, douchebag boyfriends, I can’t help but feel disappointed.
  4. Real men might leave me one day. When they say nothing lasts forever, they also mean love. No matter how much I love a guy, there’s no guarantee that he won’t suddenly choose to walk out on me when I need him the most. Yes, a fictional crush may do the same to someone else in the book or on the screen, but never to me. I may stop loving the character, but he’ll always be there if I decide I want him back.
  5. Fictional men don’t usually reveal themselves to be totally different people after I’ve known them a while. In fact, most of them are who they say they are from the beginning. Since they’re written out pretty clearly on the pages of a book or depicted extensively on screen, I get to know and love every part of them, good and bad. I end up setting my standards so high that real life guys just can’t compete.
  6. There are no nasty secrets being kept from me with fictional guys. Because what you see is generally what you get with fictional guys, it’s rare that they’ll later reveal a terrible secret about their past (or their present) that I didn’t already know about. Their affairs, issues, and drama are right there in black and white from page one, so I usually don’t have to worry about something that might come up later.
  7. I have more control with a fictional crush. Since it all exists in my imagination, I can daydream or roleplay with that character all I want. I get to decide if he deserves a redemption arc. I get to choose how much time I’ll spend on Tumblr fangirling over him. I get to control his narrative in a way I’d never be able to with a real-life boyfriend, and I kind of prefer it this way.
  8. Fictional guys inspire my creative side. Their stories don’t have to end once the books they’re in are over. Even if they’re killed off by an author, I can always imagine alternate, happier endings for them. I can actually plan a life with them. Unless I meet someone who’s utterly exceptional, chances are that the guy catcalling me from across the street isn’t going to inspire any soul-stirring poetry or fanfiction.
  9. Fictional guys aren’t real and that’s a shame. Sometimes a fictional crush can be so intense that I’m dead sure that I’ll never meet someone IRL who can be even half as good. It makes me sad to realize that great guys only exist in fiction and the chances of encountering a specimen like that are pretty close to zero. I guess love always hurts, even if it’s just a crush on someone who doesn’t actually exist and never will.