I Really Tried To Be Happy With A Mediocre Relationship, But I Couldn’t—And Neither Should You

There was nothing wrong with Michael, per se. He was a nice, solid guy from a good family and we were a 98% match on a dating site. I didn’t feel much of a connection but I thought I was crazy not to go out with him—he was such a nice guy, after all. So we started dating and ended up in a relationship that didn’t last long. I was settling for him and the relationship I didn’t want and I had to GTFO before I went crazy. Here’s why I won’t do that again.

  1. My feelings couldn’t be drowned out. I had feelings shouting at me when I started dating Michael. “You’re not happy!” “You should be with someone who makes you feel alive!” “You’re bored AF!” “You’re ignoring your heart.” I really tried to drown them out but they kept floating to the surface.
  2. I couldn’t snap myself into being happy. I thought that since Michael was so great on paper, I was making the right decision to be with him. Yeah, try telling that to my mood that kept flatlining. I just wasn’t happy and I couldn’t make myself feel that way. It was like trying to turn broccoli into chocolate by clicking my fingers—not going to happen!
  3. My eyes started darting around the room. It’s weird but I always found myself comparing Michael to other guys. Out in public, I’d tell myself, “See that guy in the red shirt? He seems like he’d made me laugh more than Michael does. I feel more attracted to him too.” It was like I was trying to convince myself that there was a better relationship out there for me. Although Michael was a great man, that didn’t mean he was the right guy for me.
  4. Love brought me down. I should’ve been on top of the world but I was down in the dumps. Love that I saw around me, like in movies or in happy couples walking along the street holding hands, made me want to throw up. I was jealous of love because I wanted it… and I knew I didn’t have it with Michael.
  5. I was lonely AF. I’d thought being in a relationship would cancel loneliness forever. Hahaha, what a joke. I was lonelier than ever, especially when Michael and I were in the same room but we might as well have been on different continents because we were so disconnected.
  6. I started to question things. Why the hell had I settled for an average relationship? Why was I so obsessed with having someone? Why did I care about what society thought of me being single in my late twenties? I would’ve been happier on my own, damn it! I’d succeeded at finding a relationship, but who cares? It was the worst thing I could’ve done.
  7. This crap wasn’t fair. If I stayed with Michael, not only would I be screwing myself over but I’d be hurting him too. It wasn’t fair to him. He should’ve had the opportunity to find someone who really wanted to be with him.
  8. I started shaking. Literally. The funny thing about trying to live a life that doesn’t feel right is that your body won’t hear of it. My anxiety levels shot through the roof. I started feeling like the walls were closing in and I was trapped in this unhappy, unhealthy relationship. It sounds mad because I was dating a nice guy, not a terrorist, but my body was pushing me to do something and GTFO.
  9. I’d chosen out of fear, not love. What’s the point of settling for a relationship that I didn’t even want? Who benefitted from that? I’d chosen this relationship with Michael out of fear—fear of being alone, fear of being single into my thirties, fear of never finding The One. What rubbish!
  10. My mediocre relationship was worse than all those fears combined. I’d been trying to run from those fears, but they weren’t as bad as the relationship I was in. Ugh, I’d take those fears any day of the week. By trying to crush them by settling for a relationship, I was just creating bigger problems for myself. Now, instead of worrying I’d never find someone, I worried I’d never find The One because I was pushing him away by being tied down to the wrong guy.
  11. I got told I was being too fussy. I opened up to my friend about how unhappy I was and she had the nerve to tell me my problem was that I was too fussy for my own good. WTF? I realized that I wasn’t being too difficult or fussy about the kind of guy I wanted. It was good to have high standards, FFS. Anything that didn’t make me happy wasn’t worth it. I had to live by this or else I’d end up ruining my life. It was clear to me that I had to break up with Michael.
  12. Settling is toxic AF. I’m not saying I want a relationship to be filled with fireworks every day —that’s totally unreasonable—but I want to feel good about being in it. I want to feel comfortable to be myself and not have to hide my feelings. My relationship with Michael became toxic because I was settling, bringing a relationship into my life that I didn’t even want. It could’ve been the most amazing, sparkling, and fun relationship but it wasn’t right for me, like a pair of shoes that just didn’t fit no matter how much I squeezed my feet into them. I had to pull them off and walk away, and I finally did.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.
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