I used to worry every time I said no to sex because I felt like I was being selfish. I’ve since realized how completely misguided that was. Here are some reasons I stopped feeling that way.
- My needs and feelings matter too. I’m not being selfish, I simply have different needs. I don’t say no because I’m looking for an excuse not to do it (even though sometimes it seems like it to my partner). I can’t help the way I feel and I don’t want to have to force myself to do it. I’m not a machine and my feelings are valid.
- I’m about to have three kids under five. I’m so busy running around with my two little ones all day and I’m pregnant with a third, so my days are difficult. I love my kids to death and I love being a mom, but it’s harder work than what my husband does during the day so I really need a break when they go to bed. I think I deserve it. Sex isn’t always about what the guy wants.
- I can’t take any more touching and I don’t feel guilty. I’m so done at the end of the day that I don’t want anyone else near me, let alone touching me. I love my husband but I usually need alone time. I’ve had my kids all over me all day. This doesn’t bother me, per se, but I’ve been constantly prodded and I can’t take more. I don’t think I should feel bad about that.
- I’m so damn tired and I just need rest. Before marriage and kids, it was school or work that exhausted me. Now, due to said children and said pregnancy, I’m so tired on a whole new level. I’m too drained to try to have sex at night. Instead, we usually try to do it when my husband is home during the day and both kids are napping, so turning him down at night is really no big deal.
- Sometimes I don’t feel sexy and that’s OK. My insecurities come out once in a while, and if I don’t feel good about myself then I don’t want to get busy. It’s even worse when I’m pregnant because I don’t feel like a sexual being at all. Being fat and constantly feeling uncomfortable doesn’t make me feel sexy. Can you blame me? I can’t help it so I stopped letting it bother me.
- I already have enough to stress about. I worry constantly about literally everything, partly because of my anxiety, which is even worse now that I have children. I’m not worrying about refusing sex anymore because it’s just one more thing to add to the list. Stress can lower your sex drive, so stressing about not having sex is counterproductive anyway.
- My emotions get in the way but that’s normal. I’m not the only woman whose libido is greatly affected by her emotions. Women’s sex drives are naturally more tied to their emotional state than men’s are, it’s how our brains work. If I’m not in the mood, it’s simply because I’m not in a good mood or I’m not feeling emotionally connected to my partner. I can’t change the way I am so I don’t get upset anymore about what I can’t control.
- There are other things I need/want to be doing. Catching up on housework, paying bills, or preparing for the next day are all things that I need to get done after the kids go to bed. If I’m not doing something useful, I want to chill out and watch TV or read a book. I usually don’t even want to think about sex, to be honest.
- I’ve realized everyone’s sex drive is different. My husband is always going to have a higher sex drive than me. We’re separate people, and it’s normal for males to have a higher sex drive anyway. Sex drive fluctuates depending on what’s going on in people’s lives, and every couple has normal lulls in the amount of sex they have. There’s no reason to feel bad about libido differences and natural ups and downs.
- Doing it when I’m not in the mood doesn’t turn out well anyway. Sex isn’t enjoyable for either of us if I’m not into it. It feels forced and my husband can always tell. It’s not as satisfying as it is when both of us really want it. We can be close in other ways anyway; it’s not all about the sex.
- My partner loves me regardless. We’ve been together forever and he loves me no matter how much sex we have. Thank God for that. So why keep worrying about it? It puts unnecessary stress on our relationship and makes not having sex an even bigger deal than it needs to be.
- It’s not like we don’t ever have sex. We have a great sex life, so it’s not like I’m cutting my partner off. When I stopped feeling bad about saying no sometimes, it made a huge difference in my life and in our relationship. I’m less stressed and I think we actually have more sex now that I don’t put that pressure on myself anymore. There’s no reason to feel guilty about saying no.
