I Refuse To Bend Over Backwards For Yet Another Man

I may not be the perfect girlfriend, but that doesn’t mean I don’t try to be. I always go out of my way to make my partner happy, and unfortunately, I often forget about my own needs in the process. This behavior has gotten me hurt in the past, but this is why I’ll never again sacrifice my own happiness for a man’s:

  1. It never works. When one person is making an excessive amount of effort and the other does nothing in return, there’s an imbalance that won’t stand the test of time. If he doesn’t appreciate the work I’m putting in, it’s not worth the trouble of getting pissed because I’m doing everything.
  2. I end up dissatisfied and unhappy. I’m not compromising from the right place in my heart: I’m just doing it to make him happy. When he doesn’t even notice or care about how hard I’m trying, then I become frustrated. If I don’t even believe in the effort I’m making for a guy, neither of us will turn out satisfied with the outcome.
  3. I lose myself. I become so wrapped up in the guy and the relationship that I completely lose my own sense of self and direction. I don’t even know who I am anymore outside of him and our love. It’s not healthy. I’m stronger and independent now than I was in the past, but I still worry that if I were in a relationship again, I’d end up doing the same thing. I’m going to try my hardest not to repeat bad patterns.
  4. They don’t ask for it. I have to be real with myself: I shouldn’t be getting mad at a dude for not appreciating something he didn’t ask for in the first place. I make the decision to go out of my way for him, so if I’m stressed out because of it, that’s on me. He never wanted me to stop focusing on myself and to become his maidservant.
  5. They don’t appreciate it. When you keep sacrificing yourself to help someone else, they’ll eventually get used to it and stop acknowledging it altogether. Or at least, that’s been my experience in the dating world. I hate making a sweet gesture and having it go unnoticed. I’m obviously dating the wrong men for me, and I’m not going to keep doing that.
  6. No one wins. It’s an impossible situation. He can’t win because he’ll never live up to my expectations, and I can’t win because no matter what I do, I feel like he doesn’t love and appreciate me enough. I’m digging myself into a hole. If I truly want a happy relationship, I know I need to take a step back and make myself happy if I want both of us to end up happy.
  7. It’s not really a sign of love. It’s my fears and codependency issues taking over. I’m not doing it out of real love; I’m doing it out of a need to feel appreciated and recognized. I am grasping at everything I can and still coming up short. I need to figure out my own crap and be a secure and confident individual before I get back into a relationship. I refuse to make my life revolve around a man again.
  8. I just resent them for it. I’m the one who decides to bend over backwards, but I end up hating my partner for not loving me for it. I get pouty and passive-aggressive. I need to get a grip, take responsibility for my own actions, and stop blaming the guy for stuff I’m doing on my own.
  9. It creates stupid conflicts. I end up fighting with guys because they aren’t making the same effort as me or notice the little things I’m always doing. I’m always mad about something. That’s no way to live my life. I either need to cut that crap out, find a man who truly appreciates everything I do, or both.
  10. It’s not healthy. The next time I’m in a relationship, I want it to be functional. I don’t want to have stupid drama. I won’t create it anymore, and I won’t be with any more men who create it, either. I’m going to begin from a healthy place so that crap doesn’t get weird. If I compromise, it’ll be from a place of love and giving and not a place of neediness and insecurity.
  11. I won’t ever be happy if I’m not true to myself. There’s just no winning in that sort of situation, so I’m not doing it anymore. I’m done picking guys who don’t appreciate or reciprocate the work I do on the relationship.  I’m going to strive to be the best partner I can, and I’m going to wait for the man who will be the best partner to me.



A former actress who has always loved the art of the written word, Amy is excited to be here sharing her stories! She just completed her first novel, and is also a contributor for Elite Daily, Dirty & Thirty, and Thought Catalog. Amy is the founder of What If Journey and can be found on Twitter @amyhorton18. You can also visit her website at amyhorton.net.