I Refuse To Talk Dirty, So Don’t Ask Me To

All the guys I’ve ever been with (not to mention all the guys my friends have been with) seem to really get their rocks off to dirty talk. I guess I get it — words you wouldn’t normally say outside the bedroom hold a certain allure, but unfortunately, there will never be any such talk uttered from my mouth. Here’s why:

  1. Who’s My Daddy? Not You. This has to be one of the most disturbing phrases ever uttered in the bedroom. Not only are you not my daddy, you aren’t my grandfather, cousin or seventh cousin twice removed on my mother’s side. There is so much wrong with this phrase. If you were related to me, we wouldn’t be having sex. Make it stop.
  2. Sex Is Not And Should Not Be A Multi-Tasking Challenge. Sex doesn’t need to be any more complicated than it already is. I already have to watch that my left hand doesn’t bump into my right hand, and my hip doesn’t dislocate as I straddle you while turning my body on a 45-degree angle. Adding to that by trying to come up with clever filthy things to say is just overkill.
  3. If I Wanted Conversation, I Would Have Gone For Coffee With Friends. Sex and chit chat don’t go together — at least not in my mind. We’re doing one or the other, talking about getting freaky or actually doing it. You may think that sex and dirty talk are a match made in heaven, but I prefer my conversation with a hot beverage.
  4. What If I Go Too Far? Totally legit concern here. What if mid-romp, I suddenly blurt out something that has you pulling your pants up and running for the hills? What if I call your bits the wrong name? What happens if I’m too busy talking and don’t realize that you’ve been finished for the last 10 minutes? Do you see where this is going?
  5. What If I Totally Freeze Up And Don’t Know What To Say? I can picture the scene of my embarrassment. In the midst of the throes of passion, I’m suddenly stuck for words, blurting the first thing that comes to mind. “Tuna!” So not cool.
  6. I can think of way better things to do with my mouth. Come on now, I’m sure you can see where I am going with this. Yes, our mouths were made for talking, but smack bang in the middle of a bedroom session, I think perhaps it may have a better use.
  7. I Don’t Want To Sound Like An Erotic Sex Star. If I’m to believe watching sex movies then men go absolutely crazy for women that moan, scream and talk their way through sex, wouldn’t it be better to focus all that energy into moving from that same missionary position they all seem to adopt? Talking wouldn’t get ME off, anyway — a guy actually working to get me there would be much better.
  8. There’s Nothing Remotely Sexy About Calling Out Genitalia Names. You can call it a penis, your junk, your baggage, or Frank. Call it what you like, it isn’t going to sound any more impressive or erotic, and it sure as hell isn’t going to sound any better with me stuttering it.
  9. I’m Shy And That’s Just Plain Embarrassing. Pressuring me into talking dirty for you makes me feel as though I’m having to put on a performance, and that makes me nervous. Drama at school wasn’t my thing — I don’t want to relive it in every bedroom session.
  10. The Neighbors Don’t Need A Blow By Blow Account Of What’s Happening (Pun Intended). In all seriousness, I have this paranoia about other people being able to hear me having sex. You can reassure me all you like that it won’t happen, but how many times do you walk past someone’s home and hear their normal living noises? If I were to over vocalize what’s happening in the bedroom and exactly where I want you to put your Frank, odds are there would be a gathering crowd outside waiting to applaud our finale. No thanks!
Maggie is a freelance writer based in Perth, Western Australia. When she isn't swigging wine straight from the bottle, she is busy procrastinating on her housework. Currently working on her first novel, she is also the creator of The Reverse Housewife and regular contributor to Hub Garden.