When My Relationship Is Good, I Get Bored—Why Is That?

When I’m single, I tell myself that I just want to settle down already and have something comfortable and stable. Then, as soon as I have exactly that, I start to get a little anxious that something is missing. I seriously don’t get what’s wrong with me sometimes.

  1. I honestly like the chase. There’s something about not knowing what the guy I’m dating will do next that’s addicting. I hate it at the moment but when he becomes so predictable, I almost miss the uncertainty. For me, there needs to be a balance between the two extremes. Sure, I don’t want my boyfriend to be all over the place to the point that I’m constantly questioning him, but mixing it up here and there will keep things from becoming too stagnant.
  2. I like to fix things. I’ll admit it, I like the broken. I do well when it comes to a challenge and it feeds my protective nature, which I’ve always considered to be a positive attribute. If I’m with someone that’s completely healthy and has it together, it seems to have the opposite effect on me. I don’t want someone so damaged beyond repair that we’ll never survive as a couple, but being with someone that’s so together almost makes me feel even worse about myself. The truth is, we all have our own inner turmoil, so even if the man I’m seeing seems completely whole, things do come up that shows me he’s human too, and that helps me feel our bond is worth sticking around for even in the boring moments.
  3. Struggling makes things more intimate. Overcoming hardships can bring people closer together. When something tough happens to me or my boyfriend and we come together to make it through, we always end up learning a lot about each other in the process. If everything is smooth sailing, that doesn’t happen as frequently and I sometimes spin it as feeling like we’re in a huge rut. I need to learn to appreciate that not having drama can be a good thing and a nice break. It’s also necessary for when something hard eventually does happen so we’re both not too burnt out to deal.
  4. Our communication is stronger if there are issues to discuss. It’s easy to talk about your day to day routine and what TV shows you’re into but none of that really boosts your communication skills. If there is something serious that needs to be discussed then it gives me a chance to work on not only how I deliver things kindly but also how I receive difficult information and process it. Not having significant things to bring up doesn’t mean that the communication has to die. I now try to engage more even on the mundane topics. I like showing an interest in even the simple things my partner cares about.
  5. To crave is to be normal and human. When boredom hits, my mind tends to wander. I start to think about what it would be like if we shook things up a bit and sometimes it even results in me fantasizing about moving on and being with someone else. I know that’s something everyone does but it’s up to me to not take it too far and recognize it as a sign that if I’m truly happy in my relationship, I can take other measures to satisfy that lingering need for something “more.”
  6. I feel like I’m less wanted when things are comfortable. The chase works both ways and I’ve found that if there’s some shakiness or mystery, my partner is much more attentive to my needs. I get that this is a game but it’s one I secretly love to play. I want to be wanted but is it worth it at the expense of the person I love going all nuts thinking I’m not as committed as I once was? No, it’s not. There is a simple cure for this. Talking about things and coming together to reassure each other that comfort is a good thing.
  7. I want to rebel. My natural instinct when things are in a lull is to do something crazy. I don’t even need to act on the impulse—sometimes simply having the thought is enough to get me by for a while. Even if comfort is a security I’ve always felt I’ve needed, I do still have a rebellious side and I need to explore that too. I just need to be sure I explore that in a healthy way instead of something that will end a good relationship.
  8. I easily confuse a rut with a routine. Routine is good! It means we’re on the same page and we’re living a life together, which has always been a goal I’ve wanted to achieve. Still, at first, I always think we’ve slipped into the boredom before the breakup. Now that I’m aware of that, it’s a lot easier to break out of that mindset and just let myself breathe for a bit.
  9. Things become less of a dream and more of a reality. I’m a dreamer by nature so I love having the thoughts of what is to come to look forward to. Reality is hard sometimes, so I tend to ignore that as long as I can and live in a bubble of relationship euphoria. There always comes a time where I have to start being present and that can be tough. Reality is a good thing and needs to be experienced because I’ve missed out on so many good things by focusing too much on the dream of the future.
  10. Sometimes it actually is more than just boredom. If I start recognizing these behaviors of mine are more frequent than not, I have to have a sincere heart to heart with myself to see if it really is more than just becoming comfortable. If I feel like there isn’t going to be much progression in my relationship and I’m not just looking for reasons to create change, it may be time to admit that we aren’t in a good place and really should move on.
jordan is a writer from salt lake city who enjoys a good steak, her dog, and conversations about how radiohead is awesome. she hopes to be a talking head on some VH1 pop-culture show someday and can curate a playlist for any occasion. when she grows up she wants to be an olsen twin.