If A Guy Expects Me To Give Up My Life Rather Than Share It With Him, I’m Out

I’m in love with my life. I travel on a whim, eat whenever/wherever, binge watch anything and everything, freelance professionally, and pretty much do whatever I want. It’s the ultimate freedom and I won’t give that up for anything or anyone, which is why I’m avoiding relationships like the plague.

Relationships ask for too much. I want to meet a guy who would make sacrifices or jump through at least ONE hoop for me for a change. I’ve made too many sacrifices and lost too much of my identity in love before. What I really want is to find someone who fits perfectly into my life like that missing puzzle piece, no modification necessary.

Asking permission to live my life is ridiculous and I won’t do it. I have friends who can’t take a crap without their boyfriends being in their faces. They say that asking if their guys are okay with whatever they’re up to is a sign of respect but I’m not buying it. Why is asking permission to do things you normally like doing a relationship norm? If you want to go out with your friends on a Friday night, just go. Let him/her know what’s up and then do your damn thing!

I need someone who will join my adventure. Nothing would be more devastating to me than the loss of an adventurous life. Maybe I expect too much, but if I’m involved with a guy who has the opportunity and the guts to come with me, I want him to come. I want him to love me enough, love how I live my life enough, to pick himself up by the bootstraps and tag along for a while. How could I ever expect someone to understand me and love me fully if they’re not willing to experience life through a different lens?

Losing friends isn’t an option. You can tell yourself that a relationship won’t change your friendships but it will. I really wish it didn’t. During my first long-term relationship in college, I lost nearly all my friends. I passed up going and hanging out with them to selfishly spend all my time with someone who wasn’t permanent. After the breakup, it took a long time to repair those friendships I’d let slip. Other girlfriends of mine went through the same cycle. They’d disappear for months, break up then resurfaces like a long-lost sunken ship. I know it’s possible to find a balance but I’m not confident in my ability to do it.

Everyone is so blah. Most dudes are boring. No one ever does the things they say they’ll do. Guys my age think tailgating is thrilling. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of tailgating season but that’s not the type of adventure I’m looking for. More and more I’m discovering that a lot of people don’t know what a good time is if it doesn’t involve getting wasted. I can’t share my life with someone who only brings extensive knowledge of IPAs to the table. That does nothing for me. A

“Housewife” is not part of my playing deck. During exam time at college, my girlfriends and I whined about needing a smart, rich, and good-looking man to fall in love with us. That way, we could drop out of college and be fabulous housewives. I was never serious about that, of course. The idea that my purpose in life is making a man more comfortable is nauseating. I would never be able to be fully dependent on a man. That gives someone else too much control over what I can or should be doing with my life. I want nothing to do with a man who believes that I exist to please him.

Boredom is REAL. It’s natural for people to become comfortable and fall into routines, but that’s exactly what I don’t want. Every relationship/almost-relationship I’ve been into have been violently boring. Days strung together with things like good morning texts, occasional weeknight dates, getting drunk at bars on weekends, and sleeping at each other’s apartments regularly. Sometimes the order of events changed but what we did stayed the same. I know that my need to be entertained is a flaw but it’s who I am.  If a man doesn’t think he can keep up, or outpace me then he need not apply. I’m done wasting my time with the human equivalent of watching paint dry.

It took a lot of work to make me, me. I’ve ignored some pretty good advice—namely, the time-old words of wisdom about not changing yourself for anyone. Not only did I let a relationship completely destroy me, but shortly after it ended, I continued to reinvent myself for men dozens of times. I created so many versions of Me and there was no trace of who I had been. I also lost so many years that could have been used for shaping who I am now.

I can’t lose my independence. If you asked me three years ago what I like doing for fun, I wouldn’t have been able to give you an answer. I had no identity. My interests came from whoever I was with at the time. Then one day, I found myself entirely alone: almost no friends, no love life, a job I hated, and no hobbies. The girl who couldn’t function without a human crutch had no one. I could’ve let that crush me. Instead, I clawed like hell to build myself back up. My journey for independence unearthed a love for cooking, hiking, running, yoga, and volunteering. Truth be told, my newfound independence is still fragile. Every day I work at building myself up, which is why I can’t and won’t attach myself to a man who doesn’t recognize or appreciate the flame of independence I lit for myself.