Maintaining a consistent sex life is much harder than people think once you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a little while. Life takes over and the romance starts to fade, not because you don’t love your partner but because, well, there’s more to life than staying in bed all day. Here’s why it’s so exhausting to try to keep the (sexual) love alive.
The honeymoon phase always ends. The beginning of a relationship is always the time when you f*ck like bunnies because it’s new, it’s exciting, and you have butterflies in your belly and stars in your eyes. Everything is uncertain and everything feels brand new. My BF and I used to have sex like twice a day, five days a week at the beginning of the relationship. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. But that time always ends. You settle in, you get more emotionally attached and suddenly the sex isn’t the most important factor in your relationship.
Comfort and intimacy can kill your sex life. On the one hand, I feel like in the beginning of a relationship, everyone’s goals are to get to sweatpants-hair-tied-chillin-with-no-makeup-on status with a partner. Once you’re there, it’s like your sex life volunteers for tribute and vanishes—for some reason you just can’t have both a consistent sex life and intimacy at the same time. Suddenly, snuggling on the couch binge-watching television without leading to sex becomes perfectly normal for you and your partner and then you look up and it’s been over a month since you’ve had sex. The worst part is that you know you’re having less sex but you still enjoy the level of closeness and comfort you’ve reached. It’s super confusing.
We never want to do it at the same time. Do you ever find that whenever you’re horny and ready to go, your boyfriend isn’t? Or all of a sudden, your guy has a newfound preference for morning sex and you can’t stand the thought of someone poking you while you’re barely out of REM sleep? My guy and I struggle with sex synchronicity and it’s one of the biggest reasons why having sex feels so difficult.
Sex becomes routine and you totally get bored. My BF and I still have sex weekly but if I’m completely honest with you, sometimes it feels super routine. It’s not that it doesn’t feel as good as it did the first time but it’s more because we get super lazy and less creative about it. At some point, there are only so many positions you can do!
It’s not a matter of attraction. I’m super attracted to my boyfriend and I think he’s a hottie for sure, so there’s no problem there. Rather, the sex drive issue is due to the fact that sex is no longer a novelty in our relationship. The “mood” strikes less and the truth is that sometimes it needs to be conjured up or created instead of being expected to happen on its own.
Spontaneity is hard to come by because you’re always with your BF. I see my guy pretty much every day and our free time is usually spent with each other, so it’s not like I can really booty call him or do anything spontaneous. Sometimes I try to do my own thing for the day or engage in some activity that takes several hours so that I can create some space and stir up some anticipation for when I get home to him. Yep, I’m at the point where I’m scheming to set myself up for spontaneous, fun sex! Please tell me I’m not the only one.
Few things are less sexy than scheduling when you’re going to have sex. Am I the only person who rolls their eyes when someone suggests that you plan to have sex with your partner as a way to have more of it? I’m not saying that it’s not a valid way to address the problem, I’m just saying that it feels so wrong to me. Like, am I supposed to set a calendar reminder on my phone for sex? Am I supposed to block off a specific time so that everyone thinks that I’m in a meeting or busy when I’m really just desperately trying to sleep with my boyfriend? Something about it just feels so forced and contrived.
What exactly does spicing things up mean? Whenever I talk to my friends about this, they always encourage me to “spice things up” with my boyfriend. I don’t even know what that means. The act of sex itself with my guy is extremely satisfactory. The problem is that we don’t have enough of it but I’m less inclined to do it. I don’t feel a need to add edible items, condiments or toys to make my sex life “spicier.” What I need is to be transported back to the six blissful months when we had sex 10 times a week!
Focusing on feeling sexy does help. I’ve started to realize that if I make myself feel sexy, I’m more likely to want to have sex. For example, as much as I love that my boyfriend thinks I’m beautiful without makeup and in sweats, I don’t always feel my most attractive that way. For me, I feel the most beautiful wearing red lipstick, mascara and a banging outfit that makes me feel hot. When I feel sexy, I feel confident.
Sex isn’t everything, but finding a balance is a constant battle. I certainly don’t need to have sex every day and I also don’t think I want to either, but I do want to be able to have sex weekly. It’s a lot harder than it looks, especially when someone becomes a part of your everyday life and your routine. What I’m learning is that as my relationship deepens and grows, sex is something that my boyfriend and I have to work on and nurture just like any other part of our relationship.
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