When Does Relying On Him Turn Into Unhealthy Codependence?

Being in a relationship with someone you can rely on is the best feeling ever. He’s always got your back and he’s there to support or comfort whenever you need. But when does that become an unhealthy codependence that can destroy both of your lives outside of one another?

  1. When he’s busy, you’re bored. Since he provides all of the entertainment in your life, his absence leaves you bored and without much to do. You find yourself waiting for him to return while scrolling through your phone and doing pointless tasks for a bit of stimulation. If you have nothing better to do than being with him and waiting for him, it’s time to find a hobby. Crochet, maybe?
  2. You never go out without him. He’s like your phone—you can’t go anywhere without him. He missed you while you were working, he needs something from Target too, or he just wants to go on a late-night drive with you. It’s good to go places with each other, but sometimes it’s really nice to walk the dog alone for once and take in the world around you or jam to your favorite music in the car without him chiming in with his opinion.
  3. You’re always stressing about him. When he’s at work or occasionally out with the guys, you can’t stop worrying. You both require tons of updates and if he misses one, the panic quickly sets in. What’s worse is the creeping fear in the back of your mind that he’s found someone else and he’s gonna leave you behind. Your anxieties build until you get that “I love you too” text, but even then they never entirely go away.
  4. Your friends miss you. I think we’ve all felt like we lost a friend when she got into a relationship. Suddenly she’s spending all her time with him and it’s like we never existed to begin with. But if you’re the one leaving her girls behind, it’s time to reassess. They’re out getting manicures and sending “wish you could have made it!” texts and you’re, what, eating Chinese on the couch with your boyfriend for the third time this week? It’s important to keep a healthy balance of you time, him time, and girl time. Sisters before misters, right?
  5. You do literally EVERYTHING together. It’s not just that you don’t leave the house without him, he’s never away from you when you’re home. If you don’t live together, you might as well, and the ‘one drawer’ has turned into his entire closet and half the bathroom. Cooking, cleaning, showering—he’s even asked you to leave the bathroom door open because he misses you too much. You never get time alone and so you never have time to take care of yourself. What happened to lazy Sundays?
  6. A life without him sounds devastating. It’s completely normal and healthy to not want to lose your guy, but losing him shouldn’t be the end of your life. If you feel like a world without him will be full of sadness and loneliness or that you’d never find anyone better than him, then you might be dealing with a destructive codependence. Just remember, there’s so much more around you than a relationship, and if it doesn’t work out then he wasn’t meant for you. There will be others after him.
  7. You need him. You need him in your life. He’s your rock, your compass, your world. More important than air. All of this sounds romantic, but really it’s a huge red flag. No one should be more important than self-care, and depending on someone so much that you need them can hurt you both. And the same goes for him—he shouldn’t need you to live. Feeling needed feels nice, but it can lead to you staying with someone who doesn’t deserve you.
  8. You believe he saved you. Maybe you were in a bad place before he came along, maybe it was mental illness or a bad situation, but he pulled you out. He listened, gave you advice, or even fought for you. Somehow he’s become your knight in shining armor and you don’t know if you would be in a better place without him. Just remember it was you that spent all those dark nights alone without him, it was you who got up every morning, and it was you who carried yourself out of that dark place. Don’t give him credit for winning your fight.
  9. He’s perfect to you. He’s not. He’s human and he makes mistakes, the same as you do. He forgets important dates and leaves dirty dishes in the sink for too long. Seeing him as perfect can lead to you writing off some pretty serious dealbreakers. He also may not be comfortable being called perfect because he knows he’s not. If you put him up on that pedestal, he’s bound to let you down.
  10. You’re no longer an “I,” you’re a “we.” Sometimes, it feels really nice to be a part of a couple, but if that’s all you are, it could be a sign that you’ve both lost your individuality. A relationship is built between two people, not one collective, and you shouldn’t need him to be your other half. You’re one beautiful, unique person, and so is he. You should embrace that and love him as a part of your world, not your entire world.