Reminder: The Number Of Guys You’ve Slept With Doesn’t Matter

Unless you were a math major, there is no good reason to let all these useless numbers rule your lives. There are enough other numbers defining us like our age, weight, bra size, credit score, salary, etc. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the numbers game when it comes to how many people you’ve slept with, but at the end of the day, a number is just a number. If you start referring to your last conquest as “the back seat buddy” instead of #11, you’ll probably remember him more fondly, anyway. Here are 12 reasons your number just doesn’t matter and it’s time to have a burning ceremony with your list:

  1. Everyone lies, anywayWomen always make their number lower and men always aim higher. There’s really no reason to waste your time stressing over something you can alter at your own convenience. It’s not like all the guys you slept with will ever be in the same room (unless it’s Christmas break in your hometown) to cross reference.
  2. No one ever has to know. If you aren’t down with lying (that’s OK!), you can always just plead the fifth. People really don’t have the right to ask you, and you should remind them of that. The only people who have any reason to be concerned are those you’re currently sleeping with, but as long as you’re negative on all counts when it comes to STDs, that’s all they really need to know.
  3. Practice makes perfect. Whether it’s with one guy or 100 guys, the more you do it, the better it will be. You shouldn’t be stuck in amateur hour purgatory just because you aren’t in a committed relationship.
  4. You should try before you buy. That whole waiting until marriage thing is cute in theory, but it’s not realistic. Unfortunately, you may have to try many different makes and models before you find the one you like, and it’s not fair to be penalized with a scarlet A just because none of those men were operating on full cylinders.
  5. Numbers are hard to calculate, anyway. Do you count someone even though you can’t remember his name? What about the guy who came before he was even completely inside of you? Or the guy you woke up next to and you just weren’t sure if he earned his rightful place on your list or not? There are too many variables for accuracy, so what’s the point in keeping score?
  6. The standards are always changing. Your grandma probably only ever slept with your grandpa, but then the sexual revolution happened, so you know your mom went around the block a few more times than hers did (sorry for the visual). Maybe you evolved faster than others your age, but by the time your kids are sexually active, your number will be considered respectable… you just have to wait another twenty years.
  7. It’s been a long time since you’ve been a virgin, anyway. You’re either a virgin or you’re not, so if you’ve had sex with one guy, you might as well have had sex with a hundred. You know, according to the pope.
  8. It only takes one bad seed. Because ultimately no matter how many notches there are on your bedpost, it only takes one of them to get you pregnant. Or to get you a lifelong prescription for Valtrex.
  9. Because sexual exposure charts are a thingMaybe you’ve only done the deed with a couple guys, but you weren’t any of their first rodeo. Since your sexual exposure is beyond your control anyway, if you are gonna take the risk, you might as well reap the rewards. And let’s not even talk about how the chart stops at 12 partners… you’re already screwed.
  10. It promotes double standards. Guys expect girls to keep theirs in the single digits but then idolize guys like Mick Jagger who have been known to bed over 4,000 women. Don’t let these double standards control you, or your good time.
  11. You’re single. The only alternative to addition is abstinence, and counting an extra finger or two seems like more fun. As long as your number isn’t soaring while you have a significant other at home, there really isn’t a problem.
  12. Slut-shaming is BS. As long as you consented to each and every one, wear them like a badge of honor! It’s hard enough to deal with one man and you have survived many!
Rachael is an award winning stand-up comedienne, freelance writer, and BravoTV superfan. Her Real Housewives tagline is “The only thing bigger than my boobs are my personalities.” In her spare time, she keeps busy catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Husky, (Paris Hilton), cleaning the skeletons out of her closet (to make room for more shoes), and swiping left to everyone on Tinder. Follow her on twitter @therealplandd.