When the doors close, the lights dim and it’s time to saddle up, the filter is loose and the truth comes out. Proclamations in the form of baby voices, tantric prayers, and demeaning name calling all start flying out of my mouth before I can think twice. Thanks to some investigative penetration, I’ve been able to dig deep into myself and find out why I say the weirdest things during sex.
I’m resolving daddy issues. It’s not like I consciously think about my dad when I’m spread eagle, let’s make that very clear. Still, when I’m with a very trusted partner, I do like to cry out, “Daddy, daddy, daddy!” I realized I do this because I have some wounds with my father that I haven’t addressed outside the bedroom. When I make love, I let go, expressing my deepest desire to be loved by my father.
I like losing control. Being the independent girl boss is great and all, but I sometimes end up being a control freak. It’s hard to upkeep that energy all the time and wish that I could let the reigns go. So with a strong man, I often find myself rolling over belly up in surrender, just wanting to be taken and ravished. That’s when you’ll hear, “You big Viking, I’m yours!” True story.
I want my feminine body to be honored. As a spiritual being, I love me some tantric sex! When we’re gazing eye-to-eye, our breath synchronized and he’s holding my body with precious care, it’s amazing. It’s as if in this one moment all the crimes of men upon the female body can be healed. So I say to this worthy man, “My body is sacred, I choose to let you in.” This means I give him the VIP access.
I fear being judged for my sexuality. I love sex and all its pleasure. I love exploring what is sexy and erotic but I still get worried about being judged for it. It’s important for me to know if a man can accept this freak-in-the-sheets. So when I tell him, “I’m a dirty slut, tell me I’m your dirty slut!” What I really mean is, “I hope you accept my sexuality because I want you to be a part of it!”
I want to be punished. This one is extra weird. I feel guilty for some of the things I’ve done, small and large, and I want to release this feeling in a healthy way so I like to play confession. I share a deep dark secret while rocking in his lap and ask, “Have I been a bad girl?” If the answer is yes, then I can happily expect a good spanking to go with it.
I’m testing his experience. Not all sex is good just because you’re having it. I want my partner to know the female anatomy, the erogenous zones and what’s pleasurable for me. I like to play the classic game of doctor. I innocently ask, “Doctor, what does this do?” This way I learn what his experience is and whether or not I need to teach him a thing or two.
I’ve lost my mind. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had some mind-blowing sex. And in those occasions, I’ve literally returned back to a primal state. I’m that animal on discovery channel. I don’t think I can even type out the sounds, but it would sound something like a lion, gorilla, and bunny all mixed into one.
I feel insecure about my performance. Sometimes I get insecure when I’ve scored a gorgeous guy and I’m wondering how it all happened later as I undress my squishy body. When I’m more focused on how my body looks during sex, I can forget the actual enjoyment of it. Instead, I fill the moment with worries. “Is this okay? I’m sorry… You’re so good-looking.” Not just weird for me, but also weird for him.
My body has hidden messages. In yoga, you get into poses that can reveal insight into your body you didn’t know about. This is the same for sex poses, and they can range from blissful expressions to sad or angry ones. Sometimes in a really good cow girl, I’ll start laughing from the fun. But sometimes in doggy, I’ll get angry and ask him to go harder. Once, in a missionary position, I started sobbing and shared a memory of when I was hurt in that pose.
I’m a complex woman. Throughout the day, I usually only show a limited range of my true self. Sex is unpredictable and anything can happen. In these experiences, the complexities of my femininity and the multidimensionality of my very being are explored. The seemingly weird parts of myself that I keep under wraps get a stage to perform and be free.
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