Whenever I was happy in life, things always went wrong not long after. It’s like happiness is something I’m only meant to feel temporarily. At this point, I’m terrified of things going well at this point because I know it won’t last.
I push people away. I push people away by being too attached. I care too much about people who care too little about me. It’s sad, I know, but I just can’t help it. I push people away by pouring my heart to them. They call me ‘too much’ and ‘too intense’. Deep down I know that they’re just ‘too little’ themselves. I push people away when I invest too much in them while I should put them in their place and treat them with the same level of effort they give me.
My trust issues get the better of me. I’ve been in love with wrong people so no wonder I’m messed up. I never had trust issues until I was heartbroken by those closest to me. So when a friend tells me she’s gonna be there for me, I instantly tell myself to let her words run from my left to right ear. When a guy tells me he loves me, I remind myself that disappointment is just around the corner. I give always giving myself a reality check than giving people the benefit of the doubt. I want to trust someone with all of me, but I just can’t. Maybe I need to meet the right person who makes me feel like they won’t break me.
I refuse to take risks. I’m a risk taker at heart. I’m drawn to change and get bored easily. Lately, I’ve been all about being comfortable. And it’s slowly killing me on the inside because I’m going out of my own nature. I’ve been really scared to try new things and make new friends. I know I’m unhappy with my relationships and instead of ditching them and put myself out there to make new ones, I just stay by myself. I don’t have the energy to do it all over again.
My decisions come from a place of fear. When I make a life-changing decision, I’m making it because I’m scared of something. I’m staying in my job because of my current situation. What I really want is to quit like there’s no tomorrow and chase after my dream job. I need to be realistic instead of being dreamy right now and I can’t help but feel like I’m losing myself as I do so.
I have a hard time letting go. I’m the type of person who doesn’t easily give up. It’s not a good trait to hold on to things that were only meant to let go of. I know that some people are not right of me, but I keep them in my life for as long as possible because I don’t give up on people easily. I was taught at a young age that ‘you don’t give up on people you love’ and that ‘you always fight for them.’ Now that I’m all grown up, I realize how destructive that can be. Yet, I can’t just let go like that because it makes me feel like I failed myself and that person.
Denying reality is becoming my thing. A lot has been happening in my life lately that I’ve reached to the point where I isolate myself from the situation. And after a while, I find myself getting frustrated because I’ve been suppressing my real emotions about things that have been happening. Tbh, I’m the kind of person who has no problem expressing themselves. I’ve just been numbing myself from reality because there are some things that I just don’t wanna be dealing with right now. And that’s making me sad because there’s a fire inside my heart that keeps on burning the more I ignore what’s happening around me.
My heart is guarded. I used to be open with guys about my life and who I am. Choosing the wrong guys once too many times has scared my heart. I don’t let guys into my life that much. They know some generic things about me, but they don’t know my story. I’m scared to open up to a guy only to realize he’s like everyone else. I’m scared to commit to a guy who will only wind up cheating on me. And I’m scared to build a life with someone and realize that it was a joke or one-sided all along.
I put my dreams on hold. I low key make excuses as to why I can’t become the version of myself that I’ve always wanted to be. I’m not following my dreams because I’m scared to feel that I’m not good enough. What if I change cities and still feel like I don’t belong? What if I publish a book, but only a few people buy it?
I’m searching for my own happiness. I know what brings me happiness. There are definite things like my mum, food, kids and self-accomplishment that make me extremely happy. I’m trying to find out what the things are that make me happy that I’ve still haven’t found out about. My happiness is solid, but it’s not whole yet. Day by day, I’m getting closer to my happy place.
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