A few months ago, I found out that I was pregnant despite being pretty proactive when it comes to birth control. After three weeks of depression and worry, I decided to get an abortion and I still haven’t told my boyfriend.
I haven’t been in the mental state to tell him. Having an abortion is a serious thing. Despite what people think, any woman that’s had one is dealing with a host of complicated emotions. I’m still learning to cope with them. Telling him now would open floodgates that I’m not sure I’m equipped to handle. I don’t know how he’d react and I’m not ready to deal with the fallout.
I worry that he’ll see it as an act of betrayal. I made the decision that was best for me without consulting my boyfriend. I fear that he’ll think I betrayed him. There are so many decisions that we make without telling each other. It’s part of life, especially in a relatively new relationship. I don’t think we’re at a point where he should be involved in such a decision, but he might disagree. I don’t want to rock the boat. I need stability right now.
As a man, he can’t understand the decision I had to make. I also worry about telling him because I genuinely feel that he can’t possibly understand the decision I had to make. Having a baby creates massive change for both men and women but I think that the repercussions are different. When a woman decides to have a child, everything in her life changes. I know for a fact that I would end up as the primary caregiver because my boyfriend is old-school. For him, having a child would be a financial obligation and a weekend time commitment. For me, it would be a life-altering one. How could he ever understand?
I feel like there’s no point in telling him. What’s done is done. There’s no point in rehashing it. What’s the point about telling him about something he can’t change? When people do something controversial in a relationship, they often come clean because of guilt. I feel no guilt about what I’ve done. I feel like telling him after the fact would be like asking for forgiveness. I don’t want that. If I didn’t need his permission then I don’t need his forgiveness.
I’m not sure I can trust him with this vulnerable truth. I’m still hurting. I’ve been too afraid to open up to anyone because I don’t want to deal with any level of judgment, but I know I need to tell someone. Being vulnerable makes it easier to deal with heavy stuff. I don’t regret my decision, but I’m dealing with the consequences. I feel like this kind of news needs to be shared with the people I trust the most. Before I would have thought he would fit the bill, but now, I’m not so sure.
I don’t want to become the villain in the eyes of our friends and family. Whenever someone gets hurt in a relationship, their friends and family take their side. That’s fine, but abortion is such a complicated issue that I’m afraid that some of my friends and family may not take my side. The last thing I need right now is to be alienated from my support system. Whether they know it or not, they’ve been a great support system and I can’t lose them.
I don’t want to complicate our relationship. My boyfriend and I have only been together for about six months. Things are still relatively new but I have high hopes for us. If I told him that I had an abortion, that would change everything. Right now, I don’t know if I see a future with him. I’d rather let things play out, then make that decision. If I tell him about this, he’ll either get upset and end things or he’ll stay and the entire tone of our relationship will change. I want to see where things go naturally.
It’s my body and therefore my decision who I share my experience with. Before the pitchforks come out, I want to make it clear that I understand that he had a part to play in my pregnancy. I would never discount that, but I also don’t believe that life starts at conception. Therefore, in my eyes, I made a decision about my future. Men make decisions about their futures all the time and never get the same flack. Rather than become a horrible mother, I prefer to do what’s right for me and any future children I might have. My boyfriend simply wouldn’t be affected in the same way that I would be if he wanted me to have the child.
I’m scared that this will make him leave me. I know that any man that judges me for doing the best thing for myself isn’t worth my time. At the same time, I know that relationships often end based on poor reactions to stressful situations. If my boyfriend and I are going to break up, I want it to be for more profound reasons, not because of something I needed to do. I feel that telling him something so shocking so early on, will doom us It’s not fair to either of us. We deserve to see this thing through. If we end up together long-term, I’ll tell him and he’ll be in a better position to empathize because he’ll know me for who I am. That’s my thinking anyway.
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