Science Says Beer Goggles Are Real, So Think Twice Before Drunk Dating

You wake up in the morning with a pounding headache and fuzzy memories of the night before. You sense that you aren’t alone in bed, so you cautiously turn over and to your dismay, the guy that you thought was a 10 last night is a solid 6 this morning. To the horror of drinkers everywhere, researchers at Basel University in Switzerland proved that beer goggles are real AF, so let’s all stop drinking and dating.

1. Science has spoken: alcohol definitely increases your attraction to others. Studies show a significant increase in ratings of attractiveness after drinking alcohol. With my track record of makeout sessions at the bar, then looking back at the pictures on my phone the next morning, I must agree with this science.
2. You’re probably a little nicer under the influence. Once that liquid gold starts flowing, suddenly you strike up a conversation with someone you may not have given the time of day before. You’re more likely to laugh at their terrible jokes and may even give out your number. This all goes out the window once you’ve had a few too many, of course. That’s when the drunken fights and ugly cries kick in. Moral of the story: drink to the point of niceness but cut back when you feel the urge to give out your number to everyone at the bar.
3. Alcohol enhances emotional empathy. Emotional empathy is one of the totally weird effects of drinking that makes you wonder if it was engineered by unattractive people in some lab somewhere. It causes you to feel physically along with another person, as if their emotions were contagious. WHAT?! So, this person that you so nicely decided to strike a conversation with is making you feel a giddy connection just because they’re feeling a giddy connection to you. Mind. Blown.
4. We feel more attractive after a couple drinks like we’re wearing inner-beer goggles. Alcohol is like a magical ego booster that makes us feel way hotter than we actually are. It also makes us believe that we’re better dancers, better pool players, and better kissers. You likely ended up in bed with a five because you were attracted to their drunken confidence. Have you ever caught yourself on someone’s wedding video doing some weird dance move that you thought was AMAZING at the time? Or, thought you were making totally valid points in an argument but then were told the next morning that you actually sounded like one of those minions from Despicable Me? Damn you, alcohol.
5. Something you may not have considered sober is suddenly fair game after a few drinks. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, so anything is fair game. Dancing on the bar? Yes. Jello wrestling? Sure. Wet t-shirt contest? Sign me up! While lower inhibitions lead to more fun, they can also lead to poor choices like going home with a guy you would hate sober or having sex without a condom because he asked nicely. Yikes.
6. In moderation, alcohol makes you happier and more social. This is definitely not a recommendation to drink away your problems. In fact, excessive drinking can lead to depression. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, have you noticed how much more fun it is at the bar after a drink or two? This is thanks to alcohol’s boost of dopamine levels, making us feel euphoric and less anxious.
7. Beer doesn’t enhance sexual arousal, though, so that part was all your fault. You can blame the beer goggles for who you got in bed with, but you can’t blame them for actually getting it on when you got there. Beer goggles combined with your lack of restraint will almost certainly lead to poor choices with Mr. Wrong. So, when your mom yells, “Make good decisions!” on your way out the door, now you know what she’s actually referring to.
8. Luckily, alcohol won’t make you fall in love. Let us all release a simultaneous sigh of relief that beer is not hiding cupid’s arrow between its malt and hops. The study found that drinking beer had no effect on levels of the hormone oxytocin, which assists in the bonding between individuals.
9. It may go beyond attractiveness of people. Future research will tell us more about whether “beer goggles” affect our attraction to other things, like finding beauty in landscapes and cuteness in animals. Until the results are in, don’t drink and visit pet stores. You may not wake up with an unattractive guy, but you might have a dozen adorable puppies and kittens licking your face. It sounds like a good idea, but remember that they poop everywhere.