I Only Seem To Be Attracted To Terrible Guys & It’s A Problem

I don’t think any woman out there is actively looking to date jerks instead of quality guys, but a lot of us sure end up with jerks anyway. Common sense would tell you to run far and fast the moment you realized that your crush was actually a terrible person, but in the dating world, logic and reason don’t always prevail. Even though I hate myself for it, I have to be honest with myself and admit that this is why I can’t even do anything when I feel myself falling for a guy who doesn’t deserve me:

  1. I’m addicted to the chase. I always want the guy who’s just out of reach. If he’s leading me on, but doesn’t actually want anything serious with me, I’m going to get hooked no matter how hard I try to stay away. If I know the guy that I’m crazy about is probably talking to five other women, all I can see is a goal that I have to obtain instead of a douchebag that I should avoid at all costs.
  2. I get bored easily. Dating a guy who messes with my head isn’t exactly my idea of fun, but my stupid brain still prefers it to dating a man who makes everything way too easy. Logically, I know I SHOULD want a guy who treats me like gold and is straightforward about what he wants with me, but instead, I’m always drawn to the man who makes me jump through hoops just to win his affection.
  3. I feel the need to “fix” guys. It’s infinitely healthier to date a man who already has his act together and knows how to treat a woman the right way. But for whatever reason, I always develop ridiculous crushes on the guys who have a laundry list of issues. Maybe it’s the perfectionist in me, but I’m always sucked in when I meet a guy who COULD be great if I could just help polish him up a bit. It’s horrible, but I can’t help it.
  4. I have too much faith in people. Even after a guy benches me, lies to my face, and hits on other women behind my back, my heart still urges me to focus on the good parts of him. I convince myself that the positives outweigh the negatives and that maybe he just needs a bit of time to come around. My brain knows better, of course, but when it comes to my dating life, my heart is usually the one at the wheel.
  5. My standards are way lower than they should be. When you’re used to a guy treating you like crap, any shred of kindness he shows you suddenly feels like the greatest thing in the world. I get such a rush off of being treated like a human being that I don’t even realize when my expectations for this dude have sunk to disappointing depths — all I can focus on is how good it feels when he finally decides to give me the affection I’ve been hoping for.
  6. I need someone who stands up to me. I can be a pain in the butt sometimes, and I know that if I date a guy who’s TOO nice to me, I’ll end up walking all over him. Rather than simply looking for a guy who isn’t a doormat, though, I go for the other extreme and date guys who are straight-up jerks. Sure, they might treat me like I’m human garbage sometimes, but at least they have no problem calling me out when I’m the one being a bad partner. I know I should look for a happy medium, but all I can ever seem to find are guys at one end of the spectrum or the other.
  7. I’m uncomfortable when there’s no conflict. At this point, I’ve suffered through so many bad relationships that I feel like something’s missing when I’m getting along perfectly with my partner. Most of my relationships have consisted of a great deal of arguing, so that’s become my new normal. It’s annoying and a straight-up horrible idea to date a man who picks fights over everything, but for me, it seems to fill a weird hole that’s left empty when I go out with men who prefer to keep things happy and peaceful.
  8. I always need a reason to leave. I’m admittedly a bit of a commitmentphobe, and I’m terrified of being trapped in a relationship. I know that I can technically leave whenever I want for whatever reason I want, but when I’m with a guy who does everything right, I always know I’d feel guilty if I dumped him. At least if I’m dating a jerk, I use any one of his numerous flaws as a perfect excuse for why I want to run.
  9. I want what I can’t have. The more he tells me he hates labels, the more I want him to be my boyfriend. The more he tells me he wants to pick the other woman over me, the more I want to prove to him that I’m the real catch. The more he tells me he doesn’t see me as anything more than a hookup buddy, the more I try to show him what a great partner I’d be. I have an intense need to overcome challenges, and if a guy implies that I can’t do something, you can be sure that I’m going to do everything I can to prove him wrong. The fact that he’s a douchecanoe who doesn’t deserve an ounce of effort from me is usually irrelevant in my eyes.
  10. It happens whether I want it to or not. Even when I’m doing everything in my power to ignore my self-destructive instincts and find a guy who’s actually worth my time and love, I still end up getting my heart crushed by some jerk instead. Sometimes, I really feel like I have a jerk magnet attached to me, and I can’t figure out how to get it off. I’m hoping that luck will be on my side one day, but until then, it seems like I’m just going to have to suck it up and deal with the douchebags who come into my life whether I want them to or not.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.