Crushes are rarely rational but sometimes they’re just so over-the-top bizarre that it feels like you need an exorcist to get rid of them. When I started crushing hard on an emotionally unavailable guy I briefly met at work, I realized I didn’t just need love, I needed therapy.
I literally fell for a complete stranger.
If you asked me what my crush looked like, I’d have to double-check his WhatsApp profile photo to give you an accurate description. And you know what, it didn’t even matter. I was desperate to find love so I basically picked a random guy out of the crowd. To top it off, he was emotionally unavailable and all wrong for me.
I created my own version of who he was just to feel butterflies in my stomach again.
I basically knew next to nothing about this guy. The only real contact I had with him was when I chatted with him about work a few times per week. I could tell that we weren’t compatible and that dating him wouldn’t last long but our relative lack of interaction helped me hold onto the fantasy that I was so desperate for. I wanted to feel butterflies in my stomach, but after many boring dates with other guys, I was losing hope. I realize now that behind the faux romanticism, the feelings for my crush were horrifying and depressing AF.
I was initially overtaken by strong sexual chemistry.
I instantly thought I shared some strong sexual tension with the guy and daydreamed about him for hours because of it. In retrospect, I clearly just needed to get laid and somehow channeled all that energy into one person.
I told myself his flirty texts meant something.
Naturally, I made myself believe that his friendly work texts had a secret meaning. To be fair, he was occasionally more than friendly and he did flirt a bit with me. He had a very outgoing and charming personality that was easy to like. Still, it was clear from the beginning that his flirting was innocent and he wasn’t planning to act upon it.
My crush was an escape route from my problems.
Looking back, there was a deeply subconscious reason for my crush: it was a response to stress and an unhappy dating life. But despite the futility of the whole thing, it was an escape mechanism that helped me cope during a difficult period in my life. Because of this, I don’t consider it an altogether bad thing.
I obsessed nearly all day long.
I neglected my work, my friends, and my own needs. Moreover, I spent hours sitting by my phone, thinking that every phone buzz could be him. I told myself that the attraction was purely sexual, but after a while, it became obvious that I was very confused about what it really was that was going on inside me.
Realizing just how lonely I was freaked me out completely.
Who falls for a guy they barely know? I thought I was doing all the right things by keeping my social life active with friends and staying busy with hobbies and passions, but my sudden crush made me confront my loneliness and my vulnerability.
I realized I could be a love addict.
My feelings for my crush shook me so hard that I started connecting the dots. This wasn’t the first time I’d fallen for an emotionally unavailable guy so I took a love addiction test to see where I stood. The results shocked me. In the end, my crush had less to do with romance and was more about repeating unhealthy relationship patterns. This gave me incredible perspective and strength to cope with the bizarreness of the situation.
I pushed away guys who were potentially more available to me.
While I was busy waiting for Prince Charming, the thought of dating someone else repulsed me. I ditched guys who showed interest in me and who were available to go out on a real date and potentially missed out on someone really amazing in the process.
When I finally came clean, he pulled away.
After sending him some explicit texts, my crush ghosted me on WhatsApp. I never contacted him again and gradually I came to see there were no hidden meaning in his actions and that basically, the romance in my mind wasn’t even real. This was the slap on the face that shook me out of my stupor and shoved me back to reality.
The crush went away like a bad cold.
It took me a couple of months but in the end, I came back to my senses. When I briefly bumped into my crush one day at work, I was shell-shocked for a few seconds when I realized I was staring at a complete stranger. He wasn’t even my type. The story of my crush is an enigma I still haven’t found a good enough way to decipher.
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