I Was In A Sexless Relationship For Far Too Long — Here’s What I Learned

My boyfriend and I had incredible chemistry at the beginning of our relationship. There was no awkward “getting to know you” phase — just hot, crazy sex. We were in a long-distance relationship for a while, so the minute I’d get to his place, we’d tear into each other before I even got through the door. After a few years, we moved in together and the sex became less frequent. It wasn’t until I was on my last birth control pill that I realized we’d gone a whole month without sex, and the dry spell continued after that.

  1. I assumed something was wrong with me. I can’t put a finger on when the sexless nights started, but I started coming up with a thousand different reasons why it was definitely my fault. I was getting too comfortable with our living situation and I’d become bored and complacent. I let my demanding job and my continuing education get in the way of our personal time. The options were endless and I was convinced it was all my fault.
  2. I jumped to conclusions. At some point, the reasoning behind our dry spell started to change in my mind. Yes, I was busy with my other responsibilities and things were a little less exciting now that we lived together, but I hadn’t changed that much! I got a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that maybe someone else was in the picture.
  3. I waited too long to ask what was wrong. The longer I put off confronting my boyfriend, the more distant we became. Even though I was right next to him every night, I felt like there was an invisible wall I couldn’t reach across. The hurt was real and present in our relationship and every day, the invisible wall got higher and higher.
  4. I wasn’t acting like myself. I became agitated and cold knowing I was about to go another night unsatisfied. My assumptions were a huge turn-off and he’d never make a move on me since I was always acting so weird and suspicious. I could feel myself changing and I hated what I saw, but I couldn’t help it.
  5. Everything almost fell apart. The problems in the bedroom slowly bled into every other aspect of our lives. I’d wake up unsatisfied and go to bed grumpy. We got snippy with each other and fought over nothing. The beginning of our new life in our new apartment together was coming to an end before it could really begin.
  6. I needed to reconnect with him in other ways. Someone needed to take responsibility for the distance, and I wasn’t ready to give up on my relationship just yet. After I graduated from my continuing education classes, I convinced my guy to take a few days off so we could get away. We hadn’t taken the time to really talk in months and it was time to get back to the way things were. I’ll forever be grateful that I took that initiative. We weren’t back to our old selves just yet, but taking the time to reconnect set us on the right path.
  7. It’s not always up to the guy to initiate things. After I finally brought up my concerns, my boyfriend was visibly relieved. He expressed to me that he didn’t know how to broach the topic because he felt he had let too much time pass. He was feeling just as guilty and frustrated as I was. I had to admit to myself that initiating sex typically fell to my boyfriend, and I rarely got things started. Guys want to feel wanted too
  8. Guys have plenty of insecurities. Although I was happy that we both agreed we needed to get our sex life back in gear, I was still confused as to why it had stopped in the first place. I learned that my boyfriend was feeling less than confident about his body and he was convinced I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. I couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t even noticed how he had stopped getting dressed in front of me and stopped walking around without his shirt on like he used to do. He was feeling down on himself and he thought I wasn’t jumping his bones because he was skipping the gym.
  9. Working together is the only solution. My boyfriend and I both agreed we weren’t feeling great about ourselves, mentally and physically. We took up running together and made sure to allow ourselves to disappear from the world and have mental health days. Just admitting that we both had a problem and we were going to work together on a solution made our relationship so much stronger within a few weeks.
  10. Making time for sex is a lifesaver for relationships. My boyfriend and I had a million things pulling us in a million different directions when we first moved in together. We both had high expectations for what it would be like to finally get to be together every day and the reality wasn’t as sweet. We made sure to set special “dates” a few times a week where we’d turn off our phones and just be together. Taking the time to dedicate ourselves to each other re-lit the fire we once had, and I don’t see it going out anytime soon.
Jessica is a proud Pittsburgher that loves to drink tea and adopt cats in her spare time. She is a self-proclaimed Slytherin and would like to visit Harry Potter World as soon as possible!