“Sexual Polarity” Could Explain Why You’re Attracted To Toxic Guys

Ever felt drawn to a man just because he exudes a sense of masculinity? If you identify as being dominantly feminine, it could be sexual polarity at play. Sex writer David Deida developed this concept to explain the subtle interplay between the masculine and feminine and it could explain a whole lot about the people you find yourself attracted to.

  1. The cliche is true: opposites attractThe basic premise is that masculine and feminine energies are drawn to each other. Everyone has both masculine and feminine inside them but most people will identify more strongly with one or the other. If you see yourself as very feminine, you’re more than likely going to be drawn to people who present as more masculine.
  2. Gender doesn’t matter—it’s more about who you are as a person. This doesn’t mean that all men are masculine or all women are feminine. There are many women who take on a more dominant or active role in a relationship, and many men who prefer to be guided by their female partners. What matters is that these opposite energies tend to gravitate towards each other regardless of your body parts.
  3. You and your partner’s differences compliment each other. Imagine a relationship in which both partners are vying for the dominant position or where both partners prefer to take on a more submissive role. Neither of these dynamics is sustainable because similar roles don’t compliment each other in this context. If one person wants to lead, it makes the most sense for the other to enjoy following. Otherwise, you could both struggling to find your place in a relationship that’s unbalanced.
  4. Understanding your own energy is the key to understanding who you’re attracted to. Do you prefer to be dominant or submissive? Active or passive? Flowing or driving? When you become aware of your own inner balance of feminine and masculine, you can better understand the draw between you and your partners, and vice versa. If you find yourself mostly drawn to masculine men (or butch women), that could be an indicator of your dominant feminine nature.
  5. Flirtation revolves around these ideas. Flirting is a perfect place to witness sexual polarity at play. It’s an unspoken dance where these opposite dynamics get to test each other for compatibility. The next time you find yourself flirting with someone, take a moment to observe which role you’re each taking on. The more drastically each of you personifies the masculine or feminine, the more intense the chemistry can be.
  6. It’s also possible to have a neutral energy. There’s no ‘one size fits all’ approach to relationships and not everyone will fall into the category of masculine or feminine. Deida also includes the notion of a neutral energy—people who feel their internal masculine and feminine sides are in balance rather than identifying more strongly with either one. According to Deida, these people tend to feel best matched with other neutral partners—again, keeping the balance within their relationship.
  7. There’s a dark side to it. Ever wonder why so many amazing women end up with jerks? This is the potential dark side of sexual polarity. Many men, unfortunately, ascribe to a toxic masculinity and as awful as it is, it does still tick a lot of the boxes when viewed through the lens of this theory.
  8. It’s a totally subconscious process. Understanding sexual polarity can be fascinating, but you don’t need to be aware of it to be affected by it. Probably the most powerful part of this concept is that it operates on a subconscious level, attracting you to people for reasons that you might not always understand.
  9. This isn’t gospel, but there’s definitely some truth to it. Take this all with a grain of salt. There are a million ways to understand relationships and this is just one of them but if you find that it rings true for you, it might shed some light on the people you typically find yourself drawn to.
is an open-hearted fellow human, lover of vulnerability, workshop facilitator and blogger, and perpetual student of the universe. She blogs over at https://liberationandlove.com about the beautiful experience that is being human. Through her writings, she takes great pleasure in delving into conscious community, sexuality, communication, and relationships, and loves to help others to do the same. You can find her on instagram as @jazz_meyer or @liberation.and.love