Shocker: My Neediness Went Away Once I Got With A Guy Who Treats Me Well

I was once known as a needy, clingy girl who was desperate for love and affection. In fact, a lot of my exes said I was “crazy” for the amount of reassurance and affection I needed. For the longest time, I thought it was my issue that I was so needy—then I ended up in a marriage pact with my fiance. Soon enough, it became very clear that the problem was never me—it WAS my exes making me crazy.

  1. I stopped being needy because my fiance actually gives me attention, affection, and love. He tells me I’m beautiful without me having to fish for compliments. It’s a miracle, right? When I think back to how much I used to have to jump through hoops for table scraps with my exes, I legit feel embarrassed that I ever lowered myself to that level for men who never really liked me enough to keep me at all.
  2. His loyalty makes me confident in myself. I don’t feel judged or like I’m an afterthought. Unlike my exes, he never hits on other women or ogles them while I’m talking to him. He also doesn’t compare my body to others’. When I’m with him, I’m the only girl in the room and that makes me feel amazingly confident. Oddly enough, that behavior makes me more confident in letting him go out for a guys’ night, too.
  3. When you don’t feel like you have to force a guy to commit to you, you tend to be a lot calmer in relationships. I no longer feel like I have to juggle a million different roles just to make a man want to be with me, and I can’t even describe the amount of weight that’s been lifted off my shoulders. It’s so wonderful to be with someone who actually brings up commitment instead of a jerk who literally has to be begged to go official. It makes you feel valued—something most of my exes never really cared about doing for me.
  4. I don’t find myself questioning if he’s the real deal. It’s true. I don’t. I know he’s legitimately into me because he shows it to me every single day. He doesn’t just compliment my looks. He compliments my mind, my personality, and even makes a point of flaunting me to his friends.
  5. If I do something nice for him, he still appreciates it even though we’ve been together for a while. I had a lot of exes who stopped appreciating all the little things I used to do after months together. They just…stopped putting in any effort. With my fiance, that’s not the case at all. The fact that he still appreciates what I do makes me less needy simply because I just intrinsically know he actually loves me.
  6. He also taught me that I’m not crazy for having genuine human needs. You know what’s funny about human beings? They have feelings and needs. Human beings act needy and anxious when their needs aren’t met. If people are calling you crazy because you’re acting needy, you need to take a step back and ask yourself what the problem is. Chance are that your needs aren’t being met, and the people who are calling you “crazy” for that are just toxic individuals.
  7. The more that I’m with my fiance, the more I realize that my exes were awful. Even when they weren’t calling me “crazy” for having basic human needs, they just weren’t good people. They were incredibly selfish people who only really thought about what they were getting out of a relationship. That’s not a healthy outlook at all. While some may have had slightly redeeming qualities, I can honestly say most of them are unfit for a relationship with anyone because the only person they ever cared about was themselves.
  8. The reason I was acting needy was that the guys I was with weren’t listening when I communicated my needs. Once again, this goes back to the fact that so many guys I was with were super-selfish. I do remember telling many of them, straight up, that I was feeling alone. Even the most obtuse human being out there can tell someone’s feeling insecure when they’re fishing for compliments. The fact that I was doing those things and they still didn’t do anything to better the situation only fed into my neediness and further proved the fact that they were awful.
  9. Another thing I realized was that most of my relationships, if not all, were emotionally abusive and neglectful. I’ll call it the way I see it. Someone who actively ignores their partner’s needs is abusive. The fact that I often had to beg for affection and commitment is proof that they were abusing me. They knew it hurt me; they just didn’t care. When you see that you’re hurting your partner, you don’t care that it hurts them, and you don’t stop the behavior that’s hurting them, you’re abusing them. Looking back, I wish they never agreed to date me. It wasn’t fair to me that they led me on that way.
  10. These days, I’m exceptionally wary of men who whine about women being needy or crazy. I can’t help but think that they are the ones who made the woman they’re whining about act needy or crazy. The sad fact is that guys who talk about all their exes being crazy typically don’t realize that they are the reason their exes acted that way in the first place.
  11. My fiance made me realize that there’s nothing wrong with needing love, loyalty, commitment and affection. It’s true. Neediness is what happens when your needs aren’t met and it’s emotionally taking a toll on you. Anyone who tries to shame you for desiring affection is not someone you should be with. And, when you actually date someone who treats you well, that lesson becomes crystal clear.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a New Jersey based writer and editor with bylines in Mashed, Newsbreak, Good Men Project, YourTango, and many more. She’s also the author of a safe travel guide for LGBTQIA+ people available on Amazon.

She regularly writes on her popular Medium page and posts on TikTok and Instagram @ossianamakescontent.