I Had Shower Sex For The First Time & I’ll Never Do It Again

I Had Shower Sex For The First Time & I’ll Never Do It Again ©iStock/isitsharp

I consider myself a pretty sexually adventurous person. I’m up for anything — anytime, anywhere, and in any position… except for shower sex! I just can’t get on board with that type of penetration. It’s humid, uncomfortable, and exhausting, and not in a good way. Here’s why my first time having shower sex was my last:

  1. It’s nothing like the movies. When I think about shower sex, it’s really hot in theory. The room becomes a cloud of steam and both of us are left feeling satisfied and complete. Turns out, that’s total BS! The movies have depicted shower sex as a magical and freeing experience when in reality, it’s the total opposite. There’s nothing magical about trying to have sex while being drenched in water. Your eyes start to get blurry, and you go back and forth between being freezing (because the water’s not touching you) to being hot (because the water is touching you). Honestly, it’s a complete disaster!
  2. There’s way too much light. Those bathroom lights are BRIGHT! Get ready to see every single part of your partner, sexy or not. That mole underneath his butt and the beer belly that’s more apparent than you initially thought are out there in all their glory — hey, same goes for your imperfections! He’s got a front row seat to every insecurity you have about your body. The fact that I wore a push-up bra wasn’t exactly something I advertised to my partner. I could hide my not so perky breasts under dim lighting and sheets, but I couldn’t hide them under those bright ass bathroom lights. Don’t take this to mean you should try shower sex with the lights off — that’s how people die!
  3. Condoms are nearly impossible to use in the shower. Shockingly, it’s hard to use a condom in the shower. He might be able to put it on, but that thing can slip off in a matter of seconds. Some of you might be thinking, “You can’t get pregnant in water!” Let’s shatter that thought right now. Whenever you have sex, there’s a chance you could get pregnant. The water on the outside of the body has nothing to do with what’s going on inside the body! I don’t know about you, but I need his thing to be wrapped up nice and tight before it comes anywhere near me.
  4. I’m probably going to fall. How could you not fall? You’re standing in a small shower with another person and it’s slippery as hell! You’re both moving around trying to find an angle that will actually work. Soap’s going everywhere and you’re both too focused on “getting it in” to realize falling is even an option. Well… it is, and you will fall! I did — over the tub, and I almost cracked my head open on the nearby toilet. Listen to me when I say that shower sex is dangerous! If you’re looking for a thrill, go have sex on a roller coaster or something. Intercourse and water don’t need to mix.
  5. Someone’s always cold. You’re either going to be cold, or you’re going to be hot (assuming your pipes are going strong). If he’s a gentleman, he’ll take one for the team and position himself on the other side of the shower. That leaves you right under the spout getting full on drenched with water — but at least you’re not freezing, right? You could take turns! Every 30 seconds, you could switch places — that way you both see what it’s like to awkwardly shiver in a shower while someone watches you. No? That’s what I thought! No matter what, someone’s going to be cold and secretly pissed off during the entire event. It’s not worth it.
  6. There’s a height difference. I’m gonna go ahead and assume your sex partner is taller than you (if he’s not, feel free to move on to the next point). You’re not the same height, and therefore your vagina isn’t going to match up to where his penis is. There’s only so much you can do! He either has to awkwardly drop it like it’s hot or pick you up. Now, maybe your partner is basically the Hulk and he has no problem holding you the entire time you’re having sex — lucky you, but most guys don’t have the strength for that. They need to lean you on something… like a bed. Too bad there’s not a bed in your shower, only a hard, wet wall.
  7. Blow jobs are the easiest. You can try to have sex, but after a few minutes, you’ll probably give up. The next best thing you can do in the shower is give a blow job. And since I refuse to partake in such an activity, the only thing I could do was wash my hair. Even if I liked giving blow jobs, it would be absolute torture in the shower! Resting my knees on that hard ass surface while water hits my face and mouth and I’m trying not to die from frostbite? No thanks.
  8. That shower is foul. Do you have any idea how disgusting a shower is? Probably because you’ve never actually thought about it. Let me put it in perspective — a shower is where you remove the dirt from your body. You take one in order to get clean. Showers are filthy, even if you do give them a wipe down every week (which I know I don’t). Imagine how much bacteria is on that shower head! And what about the floor? All those germs and you want to have sex in there? I mean, sex is kind of dirty in and of itself if you really think about it, so maybe it belongs in the shower.
  9. You won’t have an orgasm. Even if you find a position that kinda works (placing your hands on the wall while he stands behind you), you won’t finish. Having an orgasm while standing up is easier said than done. The movies make it out to be seamless, but it takes more than a few dozen tries for it to actually work. You might think water will make it easier, I found that not to be the case. Water is no lubricant! Yes, water is wet, but water also dries. All I’m saying is that having sex standing up (to completion) is a very tricky task. I can start standing up, but I can’t finish that way.
  10. I prefer to shower alone. I don’t know about you, but showering is my me time! It’s the time I spend replaying the BS that happened to me that day and occasionally, I’ll sing. The last thing I want is some guy getting in the way of my special time! Another person makes the shower crowded. We’re both going to be fumbling around, trying to ignore the fact that we’re uncomfortable — where’s the fun in that? There are plenty of places for us to have sex, but the shower doesn’t need to be one of them.
Jordan White is a writer based in Scottsdale, Arizona with more than 8 years of experience. She graduated from Northern Arizona University with a degree in Rhetoric and Creative Writing in 2015 and while there, she wrote for The Daily Wildcat. She has since written for sites including FanBread, and, of course, Bolde. You can find about more her on Facebook. She has a passion for giving her audience something to laugh about and despises the heat more than anything.