10 Signs The Guy You Thought Was “The One” Isn’t

One of the hardest parts of a relationship is when you realize you’re not actually dating a Disney prince. The guy you’re with is just a normal person with quirks and issues like everyone else. And even though you assumed he was the one for you, maybe you’re not as compatible as you seemed those first few months. Here are the key signs that this guy might not be your soulmate after all.

  1. You have different ideas about your roles in the relationship. You believe that men and women are both responsible for cleaning the house and taking care of future kids. It’s only fair — after all, you both work full-time. But this guy has made it clear that he’d be OK with you not working and taking care of that stuff full-time. If that’s what you want to do, it’s an honest job. Still, if he thinks his sole role is to make money, you’ll probably realize he’s got more outdated rules and visions.
  2. You have a different viewpoint on kids. Listen, you could be with the best guy ever, but if he wants kids and you don’t, you have to break up. If not, one of you will always be unhappy and resentful in the relationship. If your opinion on kids is off, you’re not meant to be. The good news is that at least you may be able to maintain a friendship with each other, especially if you find this out about him relatively early.
  3. You’ve already binge-watched the same show together multiple times. Watching TV together is natural for couples, but if you literally only have one show you agree on and you’ve already watched it together more than twice, it’s a sign that you probably don’t share many interests. You don’t need to be a clone of your partner, but you do need to grow with them. This is a big red flag that the relationship has already run its course.
  4. You have different kinks in the bedroom. Sexual compatibility is huge. Unless your boyfriend’s specific kink is very dangerous or illegal, you shouldn’t shame him for it. But if he’s got ideas that make you nervous (which is OK), you may not be the best match for each other. Don’t allow yourself to constantly feel like you’re disappointing your partner by not agreeing to his ideas in the bedroom.
  5. You’re obsessed with their ex. At this stage in life, every one of us has a history and every one of us has been hurt by love before. If you find yourself compulsively looking their ex up on Facebook, wondering if he’s as happy with you as he is with her, it’s a huge sign that you’re too insecure to happily be with him. For the rest of your life, you’ll be questioning his actual feelings which is unfair to him and exhausting for you. Either get over it or try the single life again for a while.
  6. You find yourself subconsciously blaming him for small problems. The freezer didn’t fully close, so ice formed on some of your groceries. There’s a pile of clothes on the chair that makes the living room sloppy. Even if you forgot to get gas in your car before you got ready to go to work, it’s somehow his fault. It can be hard to admit when something is our fault, especially if there’s someone else there to blame. But mistakes happen and building up these silent and unhealthy grudges prove you’re not as big of a fan of your boyfriend as you want to be.
  7. The two of you still think that fights should have “winners” and “losers.” This means that the two of you don’t know how to communicate and might not be willing to learn. The two of you should be on the same team. That means that you shouldn’t have to yell at him to get what you want, and he shouldn’t have to dramatically storm off to make a point. Arguments are quite healthy for a relationship, but if you handle them like a pre-teen, your relationship will never grow.
  8. He’s in no rush to get married, but you are. Like with kids, there’s no right answer here. Some people want to get married, some don’t. But if you’re waiting for a proposal and it’s not on his mind, you might feel resentful or like you’re wasting time. Talk about marriage expectations early on and see what his thoughts may be. And if you don’t agree, it makes sense to find someone else who shares a similar timeline.
  9. You have different views on pets. Maybe you’re allergic to cats but he has three that he’s ready to move into your place. Or, maybe you feel like he doesn’t understand the actual responsibilities of having a dog. Pets are huge responsibilities, and can often be quite expensive if they have medical issues. So it may seem like a minor incompatibility at first, but it could become huge if you’re suddenly responsible for walking his St. Bernard every day after work.
  10. Your friends don’t like him. If you trust your friends, you should trust their opinions. And if all of them seem to think this guy is sketchy or strange, they might have a point. Should you break up with someone just because your friends said so? No. But, you should take off your rose-colored glasses and see if there are any major warning signs you might have missed. Your friends want you to be happy and safe, and wouldn’t try to botch a good thing.
Karen Belz is a New Jersey native who is currently living in Maryland. She has a Bachelor’s Degree in Speech Communication with a focus in Broadcasting and Print Media Studies from Millersville University of Pennsylvania. Since graduating, she has written for sites like LittleThings, HelloGiggles, and Scary Mommy and is currently an e-commerce editor at Bustle.

When she's not writing, she enjoys making her phone run out of memory after taking too many photos of her dog. You can find her on Twitter @karenebelz or on Instagram @karenbelz.