Sometimes the end of a relationship creeps up on you and you don’t see it until you’ve wasted years of your life pretending things were okay. But if you realize early that you’ve fallen out of love, you can cut things off and move on with your life before becoming trapped in your unhappiness. Here are signs that your relationship is over and there’s no coming back.
- You feel relaxed when they’re not around. As soon as your partner leaves the house, your body physically relaxes. You don’t consciously feel stressed when they’re around, but whenever they’re gone, you feel like you can finally unwind. Alone time is always necessary, even in blissful relationships, but you shouldn’t require it in order to be yourself. If you’re on edge whenever you’re partner is around, it’s a clear sign that you’re not with the right person anymore.
- You keep score. Instead of bringing up your grievances, you keep a mental list of all the things your partner does that bother you. If he leaves the sponge in the sink, has spinach in his teeth, or whistles while you’re trying to concentrate, you make a note of it. You feel almost triumphant when he does something that annoys you because it reinforces how justified your irritation is. Keeping score ensures that you focus solely on your partner’s negative traits and never allow him to change or defend himself. You are actively sabotaging the relationship, whether you know it or not.
- You avoid thinking about the future with them. When you think about where you’ll be in five years, you omit your partner entirely. It’s not that you’ve reached the point where you imagine being with someone else, it’s just that you think about your career or your home or your family instead. Mentally erasing your partner from your life is a clear sign that you are not happy with them.
- Your desires are erratic. One minute you want to renew your vows or have a baby, the next you want to run away on a solo adventure or start an affair. You know something isn’t right with your current situation, but a part of you still feels like clinging to your partner because the alternative–leaving them–is too disruptive to think about. Swinging wildly from one extreme fantasy to another is a sign that you are deeply unhappy with your relationship.
- You ignore their texts and calls. When you see their name on your phone, you look away. Something about being unavailable makes you feel liberated and unburdened. A part of you wants to distance yourself from them because you don’t like who you are around them anymore. Dictating when you communicate with your partner is a way for you to prove to yourself that you are not defined by your relationship.
- You don’t worry about them. You used to panic when you hadn’t heard from them for a few hours or when they were late without explanation. Now, they could disappear for days and you wouldn’t be concerned. You don’t want anything bad to happen to them, you just don’t think it’s very likely that anything would, and you think they could handle themselves if anything did happen. Loss of concern is a sign that you’ve fallen out of love because irrational worry is one of the hallmarks of emotional attachment.
- You say, “Love ya” instead of “I love you.” The difference between “I love you” and “Love ya” is profound, especially for couples who have been together for a long time. “Love ya” suggests a casual relationship. You could say it to your friends or under the post of a total stranger on social media. It signals a lack of commitment, an evasion of emotion. If you or your partner have devolved from “I love you” to “Love ya,” it’s a red flag that your feelings for each other have fallen apart.
- You have to plan time together. Going out for dinner or spending an evening together at home is not a foregone conclusion anymore. Being with each other requires preparation and planning because you have grown accustomed to living your lives independently. It’s not that you hate spending time together, it’s just that it doesn’t feel like a natural activity anymore. Something about being close and engaging in the same activities feels artificial and forced.
- You resent them. No matter how independent you are, you can’t help but feel that your partner is responsible for everything you regret about your life. If you’re feeling frustrated at work, you find a way to blame your partner for it. If you disagree about something, you attribute it to his lack of effort or intention to annoy you. Turning yourself into a victim is a toxic dynamic that spells the end of your relationship.
- You’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in love. You may put it down to growing older or shifting your focus toward self-growth rather than finding a partner, but your relationship to love is distant at best and non-existent at worst. You’ve become numb to your loveless relationship, but as soon as you realize it, you’ll be able to free yourself and rediscover what it feels like to fall in love.
If you notice the signs that your relationship is over
If the love has truly gone from your relationship and there’s no getting it back, the next thing you need to do is make steps to end things. You don’t want to do this in an overly dramatic way or make it hurt you or your partner any more than necessary, so it’s important that you do this the right way.
- Be honest and straightforward. It’s important that your partner knows exactly how you’re feeling and why you’re ending the relationship. If things really are as bad as you think, chances are this won’t come as news to them. However, your willingness to communicate your feelings directly shows that you care enough about them to be honest.
- Avoid blaming them for things going wrong. Even if you do feel in your heart of hearts that they’re at fault for your relationship going sour, this is not the time for blame. You’re walking away, so why start an argument now? It won’t get you anywhere.
- Make sure to set boundaries. Let your partner know upfront about where you stand about your future as a non-couple. Do you want to take a while to go no contact while you get your head together and start to move on? Say so. Do you want to find a way to be friends down the line? Let them know that you’re not closing the door on that prospect.
- Hear them out. You’re being upfront about your own feelings, so it’s only fair that you let them air their own. If they get angry or accusatory, don’t take the bait. Instead, listen calmly and understand that they’re probably speaking from a place of hurt.
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