Respect in any relationship is foundational, but when it’s absent in your relationship with your adult children, it can feel especially painful. Whether it’s subtle dismissals or outright disrespect, these signs can signal that something isn’t right.
1. They Never Tell You About Big Things Going On In Their Lives
You’re the last to know when something big happens in their lives. Maybe they’ve started a new job, gotten engaged, or moved to a new city, and you find out from a social media post or through the grapevine. It’s not just the lack of communication that hurts—it’s the feeling of being left out of their inner circle. When you do finally hear the news, it’s often brushed off like it’s no big deal, leaving you wondering why they didn’t feel compelled to share it with you earlier. According to Psychology Today, when someone consistently fails to share important life events with you, it may indicate emotional distance or a lack of trust in the relationship.
This can signify a lack of emotional closeness or trust in your relationship. They might feel like you wouldn’t understand or care, or perhaps they’ve built a habit of withholding information to maintain distance. Whatever the reason, being out of the loop on major milestones isn’t just about missing the news—it’s about feeling excluded from their lives. Opening up a dialogue about why they don’t share these moments with you could start to bridge the gap.
2. They Speak Over You When You’re Talking
It’s frustrating when every conversation feels like a struggle to be heard. Your adult children interrupt you mid-sentence, talk over your points, or steer the conversation back to themselves. It can feel like they’re not just ignoring your words but outright dismissing your thoughts and experiences. When they cut you off repeatedly, it’s a clear signal that they don’t see your voice as important or valuable in the conversation. The Harvard Business Review notes that interrupting others during conversations is not just rude, but can be a sign of disrespect and a lack of consideration for others’ perspectives.
Constant interruptions are more than just bad manners—they’re a sign of disrespect. It suggests that they don’t prioritize what you have to say or see you as an equal in the discussion. If this happens regularly, it’s worth calmly pointing it out. Let them know that while you value their input, conversations should be a two-way street, not a one-sided lecture.
3. They Call You Because It’s A Chore, Not Because They Want To
When they do call, the tone is all wrong. Instead of genuine enthusiasm, it feels like they’re ticking off a box on their to-do list. The conversation is rushed, full of superficial pleasantries, and devoid of any real emotional connection. If they’re calling out of obligation rather than desire, you’ll feel it in every word. There’s no warmth, no curiosity about your life, and no meaningful exchange—it’s just a routine check-in. As reported by The New York Times, phone calls that feel like a chore rather than a genuine desire to connect can be a sign of emotional detachment in relationships.
A relationship shouldn’t feel transactional. If their calls feel like an obligation, it might be time to ask yourself—and them—why. Are they feeling emotionally distant? Are they overwhelmed with their own lives? While it’s important to respect their independence, it’s also okay to express that you’d like your conversations to feel more authentic and less like a chore.
4. They Look Distracted When You Talk To Them
You’re sharing something important, but their eyes keep darting to their phone, the TV, or anything else in the room. They nod absentmindedly, but it’s clear they’re not fully present. It’s like talking to a wall, and it leaves you feeling unimportant and unheard. Even when you call them out on it, they might brush it off with a half-hearted apology and continue their distracted behavior. Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests that distracted behavior during conversations can significantly harm relationship quality and intimacy.
This lack of attention can feel deeply disrespectful. Being fully present is one of the simplest ways to show someone you care, and when they can’t even give you that, it speaks volumes about their priorities. If this is a recurring issue, it’s worth setting a boundary—like asking them to put their phone away during conversations—and explaining why their distracted behavior hurts you.
5. They Never Take Your Advice
Every time you offer guidance, whether it’s about finances, relationships, or day-to-day decisions, it’s met with an eye roll, a dismissive comment, or outright rejection. It’s not that you expect them to follow every piece of advice to the letter, but the complete disregard for your input feels like a slap in the face. When they make mistakes that your advice could have helped them avoid, it’s even more frustrating—they could have benefited, but their refusal to listen got in the way.
Ignoring advice can signal a deeper issue, like a lack of respect for your wisdom or an attempt to assert their independence in an unhealthy way. While you can’t force them to take your advice, you can express how much it hurts to be dismissed outright. Sometimes, just knowing that their behavior affects you might make them more mindful in the future.
6. They’re Critical Of Your Life Choices
It feels like nothing you do is ever good enough. They critique how you spend your money, who you spend your time with, and even how you decorate your home. Their unsolicited opinions are constant, and they rarely come with a constructive or respectful tone. It’s as if they’ve appointed themselves as the authority on your life, even though they’re not the ones living it.
Respecting someone means honoring their autonomy, even if you don’t agree with their choices. When your adult children constantly critique you, it creates a dynamic where you feel judged rather than supported. It’s okay to remind them that while you value their input, your decisions are your own, and their unsolicited opinions aren’t always welcome.
7. They Always Bring Up Your Parenting Mistakes
No matter how much time has passed, they love to bring up the moments you wish you could forget. Maybe it’s the time you lost your temper, a decision you made that they didn’t agree with, or a period when you were struggling yourself. Instead of focusing on how far you’ve come, they seem stuck in the past, using your mistakes as a weapon in conversations.
Everyone makes mistakes, but being constantly reminded of them can feel like a punishment rather than an opportunity for growth. If they’re unwilling to let go of the past, it might be a sign that they’re holding onto unresolved resentment. Open, honest conversations about those moments—paired with an acknowledgment of your growth—can help heal old wounds and move the relationship forward.
8. They Don’t Trust You Around Their Grandchildren
Every interaction with your grandkids feels like it’s under a microscope. They’re quick to correct you, hover over your shoulder, or outright exclude you from certain activities. It’s as if they’ve decided you’re incapable of being a responsible grandparent, despite having raised them yourself. The lack of trust is not only hurtful—it’s deeply isolating.
Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship, and when your own children don’t trust you around their kids, it can feel like a rejection of your parenting and your character. If this is an issue, it’s important to have an open conversation about their concerns and work together to rebuild that trust.
9. They Blame You For The Problems In Their Lives
Whenever something goes wrong in their life, it somehow circles back to you. They blame their struggles, bad decisions, or even their unhappiness on how you raised them or choices you made years ago. Instead of taking accountability for their own actions, they use you as a convenient scapegoat. This can leave you feeling powerless and constantly on the defensive, as if you’re fighting a battle you didn’t sign up for.
While every parent makes mistakes, blaming you for every misstep in their life isn’t fair or productive. Adults are responsible for their own choices, and constantly pointing fingers at you only stalls their personal growth. If this is happening, you may need to set boundaries and remind them that while you’re willing to discuss the past, you’re not willing to be the sole target of their frustrations.
10. They Seek Support From Someone Outside Of The Family Before You
When they have a problem, you’re the last person they turn to. Instead, they confide in friends, colleagues, or even acquaintances before coming to you. By the time you hear about the issue, it’s already been resolved—or worse, it hasn’t been, and they still don’t want your input. It’s not just about being excluded; it’s about feeling like your role as their parent has been sidelined.
Trust is a two-way street, and their choice to go elsewhere for advice or support could be a sign of emotional distance in your relationship. While it’s normal for adult children to seek support outside the family, completely cutting you out can feel like a rejection. Rebuilding that trust takes time, but starting with open and honest communication can help bridge the gap.
11. They’re Defensive When You Stand Up For Yourself
The moment you assert yourself, it’s like flipping a switch. They get defensive, deflect blame, or even lash out. Any attempt to address how their behavior affects you is met with resistance, leaving you feeling unheard and invalidated. It’s as if standing up for yourself is seen as an attack, even when your intentions are simply to communicate and set boundaries.
Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, and that includes being able to voice your feelings without fear of retaliation. If your adult children can’t handle constructive conversations, it might be time to rethink how you approach these discussions. Standing firm in your boundaries while remaining calm and compassionate can help you navigate this dynamic without adding fuel to the fire.
12. They Disrespect You In Front Of Friends And Family
There’s nothing more embarrassing than being belittled or dismissed in front of others, especially by your own children. Whether it’s sarcastic remarks, eye rolls, or outright criticism, their behavior sends a clear message: they don’t value or respect you. These moments can feel even more painful because they’re not just private disagreements—they’re public displays of disrespect that can leave you feeling humiliated and small.
Public disrespect isn’t just about the moment itself; it’s about the broader message it sends. Allowing this behavior to continue unchecked can normalize it and damage your relationship even further. Addressing these instances privately—explaining how their behavior made you feel—can be a starting point for establishing healthier boundaries and expectations.
13. They’ve Been Physically Aggressive With You In The Past
Physical aggression is a clear boundary violation and an undeniable sign of disrespect. Whether it was a shove during an argument or something more serious, these moments are hard to forget and even harder to forgive. Physical aggression not only damages trust but also creates an environment where you feel unsafe in your own relationship.
Physical aggression should never be tolerated, regardless of the circumstances. If this has happened, it’s important to prioritize your safety and seek support, whether that’s from a trusted friend, counselor, or even legal resources if necessary. Repairing a relationship after such an incident requires accountability and significant effort from both parties, but your well-being should always come first.
14. They Make Hurtful Jokes That Are Laced With Truth
“Just kidding” can sting more than outright insults when the jokes are clearly rooted in truth. They make comments about your parenting, your habits, or your choices, disguising them as humor. Even if they laugh it off, the underlying message is clear—they’re not really joking, and the words still hurt. These so-called jokes can feel like subtle digs that chip away at your confidence and self-esteem over time.
Hurtful humor can be a passive-aggressive way of expressing resentment or frustration. Allowing these comments to slide without addressing them can encourage the behavior to continue. If this is a pattern, consider calmly pointing out how their words make you feel and setting a boundary around respectful communication.
