In-laws are a delicate dynamic in any family, and not everyone clicks right away. But if your child’s spouse consistently keeps their distance, reacts negatively to your presence, or even seems to avoid you altogether, they may see you as the problem. Whether or not their perception is fair, feeling like the “toxic in-law” can be frustrating and painful—especially if you don’t know what you’ve done to deserve it.
1. They Love To Challenge Your Beliefs At Family Gatherings
If your child’s spouse frequently debates or questions your opinions at family gatherings, it might be more than just friendly discussion. They may challenge your views on politics, parenting, or even minor personal beliefs, making family meals feel more like a battlefield than a place of connection. These debates can quickly turn into tension-filled conversations, leaving you feeling like you constantly have to defend yourself. According to Psychology Today, setting boundaries on discussion topics and avoiding old grievances can prevent family gatherings from becoming battlegrounds
While differences in opinion are natural, pay attention to whether their challenges feel more like personal attacks than open discussions. If this keeps happening, try redirecting the conversation or setting a boundary: “Let’s agree to disagree and enjoy dinner.” If you’re open to it, consider whether their perspective is worth hearing—sometimes, generational gaps make discussions feel combative when they don’t have to be.
2. They Seem Annoyed When You’re At Their House
When you visit their home, do they seem tense, distracted, or uninterested in engaging with you? Maybe they barely greet you, sigh heavily when you make small talk, or disappear into another room the moment you arrive. If they treat you like an unwanted guest instead of family, it may be a sign that they don’t feel comfortable with you in their space. Psychology Today states that hosting family can disrupt routines and create territorial tensions, causing hosts to display withdrawal behaviors like abrupt exits or shallow engagement – a phenomenon called “primary territory loss” in environmental psychology studies.
It’s important to consider why they feel this way. Have you overstepped in the past? Do you tend to give unsolicited advice about their home or parenting choices? If you sense their discomfort, try asking, “I feel like I’m intruding sometimes—is there something I’ve done to make you feel that way?” This can open the door to honest conversation and possible resolution.
3. They Steer Family Get-Togethers To Their Side Of The Family
If holidays, birthdays, and major celebrations always seem to land at their family’s home, it could be a sign that they prefer to keep their distance. While it’s normal for couples to balance time between families, it becomes noticeable when your side is consistently sidelined. If every gathering requires you to adjust your schedule or travel farther, it may feel like a passive way of keeping you at arm’s length. Relationship experts recommend compromise, such as alternating holidays between families, to maintain harmony and respect both sides.
Instead of assuming the worst, have an open conversation with your child about what’s going on. Ask if they feel obligated to spend more time with their spouse’s family or if there’s another reason behind the imbalance. Sometimes, simple logistical issues (like space or convenience) can create patterns that weren’t intentional—but if it’s deliberate, it’s worth addressing.
4. They Act Out Whenever You’re Around
Does their mood noticeably shift when you enter the room? Maybe they roll their eyes, sigh when you speak, or make passive-aggressive remarks. If their energy changes whenever you’re present, it’s a clear sign they don’t enjoy being around you. Over time, this kind of behavior can make family gatherings feel awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. Rachel Beohm says that nonverbal cues like tense movements, shallow breathing, or avoiding eye contact often signal discomfort, as outlined in communication research
Rather than calling them out in front of others, try a private conversation. You can say something like, “I feel like there’s tension between us, and I’d love to understand if I’ve done something to upset you.” This approach allows them to share their feelings without feeling cornered. Even if you don’t agree with their perspective, acknowledging it can help ease some of the resentment.
5. They’ve Told You to “Mind Your Business” More Than Once
If your child’s spouse has directly told you to “mind your business” or something similar, they likely feel you’re interfering too much. This could be about parenting, finances, home life, or any number of personal topics. While offering advice comes naturally to parents, it can easily be misinterpreted as overstepping when given too frequently.
If you’ve heard this phrase more than once, it’s time to step back and reassess. Ask yourself if your input was truly necessary or if it was more about asserting control. Try a new approach—wait until you’re asked for advice rather than offering it freely. Giving them space to make their own choices, even if you disagree with them, can help improve your relationship.
6. They Don’t Allow the Grandkids To Stay Over
If you’ve noticed that your offers to have the grandkids for the night are always met with excuses, it may be more than just protective parenting. Some parents are naturally cautious about sleepovers, but if their hesitation only applies to you and not their own family members, that’s a red flag. They may not fully trust you to follow their parenting rules, or they may feel uncomfortable with how you handle discipline or routines.
Instead of taking offense, ask if there are specific concerns they have. Let them know you respect their parenting style and are happy to follow their guidelines when the kids are with you. Demonstrating that you’re willing to compromise can help ease their worries and possibly change their stance over time.
7. They Tell The Kids Not To Listen To You
Few things feel more disrespectful than seeing your grandkids outright dismiss your instructions because their parent told them not to listen to you. If you ask them to do something and they respond with, “Mom/Dad said I don’t have to,” it’s a clear sign that your authority is being undermined. This can create tension, especially if you feel like you’re being intentionally disregarded.
Address this issue calmly and directly with your child and their spouse. Let them know you respect their parenting choices, but you also deserve respect in return. Ask if there’s something specific they’re uncomfortable with regarding your role as a grandparent. A conversation can clarify expectations and help prevent future conflicts.
8. They Keep Conversations With You Short And Surface-Level
If every conversation feels rushed or lacks depth, it may be intentional. They might keep things polite but never truly engage, avoiding personal discussions or meaningful interactions. This could be their way of keeping a wall up, preventing deeper connections from forming.
If you notice this pattern, try making conversations more neutral and less personal. Avoid controversial topics, don’t pry, and let them lead discussions. Sometimes, taking the pressure off can make them feel more at ease and encourage better conversations over time.
9. They Show More Warmth To Other In-Laws
When you see them laughing, bonding, and being openly affectionate with their own family members or other in-laws—but they keep you at arm’s length—it’s hard not to feel the difference. Their warmth toward others might highlight the emotional distance they maintain with you.
Instead of feeling resentful, try to understand why they’re more comfortable with others. Are they closer because of shared interests? Or is it because of past tensions? Either way, taking small steps to build a friendlier rapport—without forcing it—can help bridge the gap.
10. They Only Initiate Contact With You When They Have To
If your child’s spouse never calls, texts, or reaches out first, it could be a sign that they’re keeping you at arm’s length. While not everyone is naturally chatty with their in-laws, an intentional lack of communication speaks volumes. They might avoid updates about their life, keep conversations short when you do talk, or only respond out of obligation rather than interest.
Instead of waiting for them to reach out, take the lead in a non-intrusive way. A simple text checking in without asking a bunch of questions can open the door to better communication. If they keep their distance despite your efforts, it may be best to respect their space. Relationships take time to build, and pushing too hard may make them pull away even further.
11. They Avoid One-on-One Time With You
Have you noticed that your child’s spouse only interacts with you when other people are around? Maybe they keep conversations strictly within a group setting or make excuses to leave when it’s just the two of you. If they seem uneasy when it’s just the two of you, it could indicate they’re uncomfortable or don’t trust the relationship enough to engage privately.
To change this, look for neutral, pressure-free ways to spend time together. Invite them to a casual coffee or find a shared interest that doesn’t feel forced. If they continue to avoid one-on-one interactions, accept that they may not be interested in a closer relationship. Not everyone bonds in the same way, and sometimes, it’s best to let things develop (or not) naturally.
12. They Get Defensive When You Offer Advice
No one likes to feel criticized, but if your child’s spouse reacts strongly to even the mildest suggestions, they may feel like you’re judging them. Whether it’s about parenting, finances, or household choices, they might take any input as a sign that you think they’re not good enough. Their defensiveness could come from past conflicts, or it might just be their personality, but either way, it creates tension.
Instead of offering advice outright, try asking if they’d like your input before giving it. If they say no, respect that and let them figure things out on their own. You don’t have to agree with every decision they make, but allowing them the space to handle their own lives will likely make them more open to you over time.
13. They Roll Their Eyes Or Make Passive-Aggressive Comments
Eye-rolling, sarcastic remarks, or side comments that feel like subtle digs are signs of resentment. If they make dismissive jokes at your expense, act like your opinions are outdated, or make remarks that undermine your authority in the family, it’s clear they’re not holding you in high regard.
The best way to handle this is to address it directly—but calmly. Saying something like, “I feel like there’s tension between us. Have I done something to upset you?” can make them think twice about their behavior. If they continue to be passive-aggressive, you have every right to set a boundary and let them know you won’t tolerate disrespect.
14. They Always Have An Excuse To Avoid Seeing You
If every invitation you extend is met with an excuse—whether it’s work, the kids, or being “too busy”—it might be more than just bad timing. They may be deliberately avoiding spending time with you, either because they don’t enjoy your company or because they feel uncomfortable around you.
If this is happening repeatedly, consider whether past interactions may have played a role. Have you been overly critical? Have there been disagreements? If so, acknowledge any tension and ask if there’s something you can do to ease it. If they’re simply uninterested in a closer relationship, it’s best to accept it rather than force it.
15. Your Child Acts Differently Toward You When Their Spouse Is Present
One of the clearest signs of tension is when your own child seems more reserved, guarded, or uncomfortable when their spouse is around. If they act like they’re walking on eggshells, hesitate before speaking, or don’t engage with you as much in their spouse’s presence, it’s a strong indicator that their partner has issues with you. They may feel caught between their spouse and their parent, unsure of how to keep the peace.
The best way to navigate this is by talking privately with your child. Ask if there’s something going on and reassure them that you don’t want to cause stress in their marriage. Avoid speaking negatively about their spouse, as this could make them feel defensive. Instead, focus on ways to build a better relationship with both of them, keeping communication open and judgment-free.
