I’ve been out of the dating scene for a really long time. I ended a long disaster of a relationship a while ago and decided to steer clear of all things “love” for a while for the sake of my own well-being. But now, since it’s been, like, a million years since I’ve dated, it’s starting to really take its toll.
- I’m horny all the damn time. And I mean all the damn time. In work meetings, while reading boring reports, standing in line at the post office. It’s constant. I try to please myself as much as I can but I think even my rabbit is getting tired of having to do all the work down there.
- Sexting over Tinder doesn’t really make me cringe anymore. The whole premise of Tinder and its driving of hookup culture used to really piss me off. I thought it ruined dating forever. Now, not so much. I have no qualms with sexting with strange men because at least then it feels as though I’m getting somewhere with someone.
- Penis pictures? Sure, why not. I haven’t seen a real live penis in a very long time so if someone were to unintentionally send me a pic of one of theirs, I wouldn’t automatically put them in the block zone like I would before. I’ve been single and sexless for so long that I’m almost tempted to ask a guy for one, and that’s just wrong.
- I unconsciously leave one side of my bed full of crap. Clothes, my laptop, even my purse have now claimed their rightful territory on the right side of my bed. I’m not a sprawler when it comes to sleeping so it’s nice to have some weight opposite me when I’m trying to sleep. And since no man has seen my room in quite some time, I don’t really have to be ashamed of the mess. The reason for the mess, now that’s another story.
- I check out literally every guy I see. And when I do I wonder what he would look like naked. Even if I wouldn’t usually be attracted to him, I’m still letting my mind go there with every single man that I come across. I sort of understand why guys are the way they are now when it comes to checking out girls. They’re not pervy, they’re just hard up (so to speak) and have been single too long.
- I can’t remember what sex even feels like. Or kissing, for that matter. The things that usually come to me in the way of interaction with the opposite sex have become so foreign to me that I can barely remember what it feels like to physically touch another person. It’s getting bad. It’s not possible to become allergic to penis if you don’t have it for long enough, is it?
- My friends and family have stopped asking me about my love life. There are no more inquiries when it comes to personal matters of the heart because they damn well know there’s not a thing going on in that department of my life. They’ve completely given up on the idea that I’ll get back in the saddle because I’m 1000 miles away from the damn horse ranch.
- My fantasy bank is growing at an alarming rate. Every person in the world has sexual fantasies that they may or may not want to one day act on when they’re in a committed relationship. I, however, have an entire library of sexual escapades I can’t stop thinking about. The longer I go without intimacy, the more fantasies pile up and it’s getting out of control.
- I have no one to booty call or friend date. There is literally not one guy in my contact list that I could call for nothing but a good time because it’s been so long that it would just be weird. The segway from “Hey it’s been so long how are you?” into “So let’s meet up tonight” is non-existent. I haven’t talked to any of the guys I used to have on my list in over half a decade. They could be married with children by now. Oh jeez.
- Dating is a foreign country to me. I might as well be the only English speaking person on an alien planet when it comes to actually going out on a date with another person. Are we supposed to go out on three dates before having sex or can I just jump his bones as soon as I get into his truck? I have no clue how any of it works anymore.
- When I do get a boyfriend, what do I do with it? How much sunlight does he need? Is there a special boyfriend diet he’s supposed to be on, and if so, how often do I feed him? I have so many questions that I just can’t remember the answers to. I feel like I’m in my first ever cursive writing class and I haven’t even learned how to print.
- This is all too much. It’s overwhelming having been out of the dating scene for this long. Since I can’t seem to find any answers, I’m just going to post up with Netflix, watch a horror movie (because nothing about watching murder could possibly turn me on, right?) and tighten the lock on my chastity belt. What’s the worst that could happen?
