I think there’s a huge misconception that if you’re single for a long time, there must be something wrong with you. It’s like you’re a spinster or you’re broken. This is just total crap. I’ve been single for much of the last five years and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.
It’s not for lack of trying. Man, have I tried to find a partner who’s a good fit. In fact, I went on 50 dates this year. I’ve definitely done my due diligence in looking for someone. Plus, I’ve done a lot of work on myself to be a good partner myself. It just hasn’t happened for me yet. Maybe I have to try less, but I’m doing the best I can.
I’ve gotten a lot pickier. I used to settle left and right. I’d lower my standards so that I didn’t have to be alone. I’d be with anyone that was even kind of a fit. Nowadays, however, I’m a lot pickier. I have a bunch of deal breakers that I really try hard to stick to. This has meant that I have way fewer options when I’m dating, but it also means that I have a better chance of getting what I’m looking for and what I deserve in the end.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s so easy for someone to point out reasons why I’m single, like that I’m not doing enough or I’m doing too much. This is all nonsense, though. I’m not doing anything wrong. Sure, I have some areas I can grow in, but don’t we all? Being single doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong with me. In fact, I’m doing just fine.
Being single has its benefits. There are a ton of great perks to being single! For one, I have all this time that I can do whatever I want with. Another benefit is that I can focus a ton of attention on personal growth so I keep developing as a human. Lastly, I can focus more attention on my friendships and family relationships and really strengthen them. It’s not all bad that I’m alone.
Single people aren’t doing something wrong. Magazines and articles tell me that I should be playing more games or less of them and I should be saying no more and also saying yes more. The suggestions are exhausting. What if what I’m doing is fine and it just isn’t my time yet? I believe that much more than something being wrong with me.
It’s hard to combat negative voices. While I’m saying all of these very tough things, my brain also says mean stuff to me. It tells me that I’m unlovable, that something is actually wrong with me, and that I’m alone because I’m unworthy and gross. Pretty horrible, huh? I’d never dare say those things to another person, but here I am saying them to myself. I try to fight back, though. I don’t let negative thoughts run amuck in my mind.
It’s challenging not to compare myself to others. Again, while I feel confident and lovely much of the time, sometimes I find my brain going to dark places. I compare myself to others who I think are in loving relationships. In fact, I generally think they’re in perfect relationships. I wonder why I’m not in one if I’m as pretty or prettier than the other girl (not my nicest thought).
A relationship isn’t the pinnacle of success as a human. While I pine for one, having a relationship doesn’t mean that I’ve arrived as a person. It doesn’t mean that I’ve reached my fullest potential in this life. Instead, it’s just another phase, another option, another experience. It’s a way to connect in this world, but it’s not the only way. I think we need to stop romanticizing love in that we pin it up as perfection.
It’s better to be alone than with the wrong person. I’ve spent so much time alone these last five years that I can’t fathom wasting a bunch of time with the wrong person. I’d so much rather do my own thing, be by myself, and be open to the right person coming in. Sure, it’s scary to be alone, but it’s definitely worth it. Being with the wrong person can really make a person unhappy.
Someday I’ll be in a relationship again. I don’t doubt that at some point I will have a relationship again. I’ll find love. It may be brief, it may be long, but it’ll happen. It has throughout these past five years, just nothing long-term. I still believe I’ll find something that’ll stick.
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