I’ve Been Single So Long That I Don’t Even Recognize Myself Anymore

I’ll admit it: I’ve been single for way too long. While I love how independent I’ve become over the last couple of years, I’m starting to wonder if it’s gone too far. I’m way too comfortable spending time with no one but myself and I can honestly say that the thought of being single forever doesn’t bother me one bit. That’s a problem, right?

I’ve become really cynical. I’ve been single for this long by choice… sort of. Dating destroyed me. I don’t want to blame the universe, but no matter how hard I tried, the stars just never aligned for me and the guys I dated. I had some horrible experiences with some of the weirdest dudes—I started to think I was the problem and that’s when I decided to take a break, which became more of a lengthy vacation… that I’m still in the middle of.

I’m a little TOO comfortable being alone. I’ve slowly become my 92-year-old grandmother who can spend hours at home alone, seeing and talking to no one, without feeling lonely. It actually scares me how comfortable I’ve become spending one-on-one time with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I think alone time is important, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a good thing that I’d rather be alone than with other people.

I rarely change my routine. It’s easy to get on a set schedule when you’re single. After all, I’m dealing with no one but myself (and the occasional friend or family member). I get to decide what time I wake up, whether or not I want to go the gym, and when I to eat my meals. I don’t have to compromise with anyone or take other people’s thoughts into consideration, which means I’ve become a very routine person who doesn’t like the idea of change.

I can’t relate to my friends. I don’t understand most of my friends’ boyfriend drama. It blows my mind that people can be so damn upset about a guy not texting them back in a matter of minutes. Like, why would you freak out because he didn’t open your Snapchat when you know he’s at work? I don’t get it. More importantly, I don’t get why some people act like it’s better to be in a relationship filled with drama than by yourself. It’s so not.

The idea of dating gives me serious anxiety at this point. My heart skips a beat thinking about going on a date. It’s partially because of all the horror stories I’ve experienced but also because of how much anxiety I have when it comes to relationships. I was never “good” at dating but now that I’ve been out of the game for so long, I’m terrified of giving it a shot.

I can never tell if someone’s interested in me or not. When you’ve been out of the dating world for a while, you actually become numb to all of it. I can be talking to a guy at a bar for hours and have absolutely no idea he’s flirting with me. It takes someone straight up telling me they’re interested for me to know what’s up. I honestly feel like a child. I’m ignorant to social cues when it comes to guys and it’s pretty effing sad.

If a guy IS interested in me, I call BS. I’m a confident person, or at least I think I am. It’s just that I have low self-esteem (yes, you can be confident and still have low self-esteem) so I call BS on a hot guy thinking I’m hot. Because, like, no way.

I completely forget how to flirt. When I try to flirt with someone who’s interested in me, I end up retreating almost immediately. I get so nervous and I overthink everything, which makes me stop replying to a guy I’m interested in out of fear that I’m going to embarrass myself. This leads to him thinking I’m not interested, and so continues my single life. So it’s not just the fact that I don’t know how to flirt—I’m physically scared to do it.

I live vicariously through everyone else. Although I personally don’t like the idea of dating, I love watching other people date. I don’t like hearing about dumb stuff, but when one of my friends tells me about something nice her boyfriend did, I swoon. And don’t even get me started on rom-coms. I can watch rom-coms all day and never stop crying. I live vicariously through other people’s love lives while being too afraid of chasing love in my own life. It’s terrible.

My friends have basically given up on me. I guess I can’t blame my friends for acting as if I’m never going to find someone. I get it. They’ve put a lot of energy into setting me up with guys and I’ve let them down by either canceling last minute or going on the date and acting like a complete drip. Now, they make plans knowing full well I won’t have a plus-one. They don’t even ask if I’ll be bringing someone with me to their parties, which is by far one of the worst things about being the “perpetually single friend.” People expect you to be single for the rest of your life and at this rate, I’m starting to wonder if I will be.

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